The First to Die at the End

by Adam Silvera

Death-Cast will make sure I’m never denied a goodbye ever again. Well, the chance to say my goodbyes. I know I don’t have all the time in the world, I feel it in my heart. I got to go live my firsts—maybe even lasts—while I can.

Freedom should be freeing, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be heartbreaking.

I’d rather be planets apart as long as she’s still breathing on the other side of the galaxy.

I don’t know if I can orbit around someone this beautiful and not just fall in love, stay in love, and die in love.

It’s not fair how someone can do everything right and still be hurt because someone else does one thing wrong.

“I understand that the person who gets the Death-Cast call isn’t the only one dying. If you really hold someone in your heart, you die too.”

“Here’s the truth no one ever wants to admit when death is on the horizon, or when you’re deep in that grief—as long as you keep existing, you’ll keep breathing, and if you’re breathing, one day you’ll start living again.”

“I want to make great memories. Something to look back on whenever existing seems hard.”

I write short stories because I am one. I wish I was a novel. Breaths away from midnight, I know my final chapter is close. I look up at Valentino, wondering what life could’ve offered if I had more pages in me.

It’s heartbreaking how much it costs to be alive when you’re always dying.

Blood pressure cuff?

OMG

What’s really incredible is how our hearts are beating against each other’s chests, like they’re communicating in their own language as to what happens next. I realize I don’t fully understand everything myself.

In a new world where we know when someone is going to die, we still don’t know how long someone will live. I shouldn’t stress this so hard. This is going to be Orion’s choice ultimately. I can’t force him to take my heart. But I can’t help but worry. I don’t want my last act of kindness to kill someone.

Suddenly, everything feels so tense it’s like I might pop into a thousand pieces. I’m embarking on a really dangerous journey to keep someone alive who is destined to die. For every minute I buy him, that’s more time getting to know him. The longer I know him, the harder everything will hurt. I can’t predict the future like Death-Cast, but I already know that my time with Valentino will end in heartbreak.

No one needed Death-Cast to know this wouldn’t be okay. But Death-Cast should’ve called nonetheless.

In all of Clint’s years of people-watching, this is the most connected he’s felt to someone outside his window. It goes to show that even on your way out, there’s still time to let people in.

No child should grow up watching their parents fight. Well, is it even a fight if one parent doesn’t ever hit back? No, it’s not. That’s an attack.

What if instead of waiting to follow her heart, she picks it up and carries it where she wants to go?

Who would have thought that falling in love could take you to the skies? But people don’t have wings, and walking through life is how you get to be in it. It’s up close, it’s personal, it’s real.

THE MATEO FROM TBDATD??

“None of us are perfect, but let’s never let things between us get so bad that we could know we’re dying and still not want anything to do with each other. Goodbyes are the most possible impossible because you never want to say them, but you’d be stupid not to when given the chance.”

“There will come a time when you have to reckon with how you made me so unwelcomed that I moved away. But I want to thank you for being so unloving because it pushed me out of your house and into the arms of a boy with the biggest heart. He’s made sure my last day on this planet is filled with the love and kindness I deserve, and I’m going to spend what’s left of my life with him even if that means I’m going to hell when it’s all done.”

They don’t get how hard it’s going to be to live because of Valentino and without him. How every heartbeat is going to be him whispering for the rest of my life. I just don’t want to hear him telling me from beyond the grave that I pushed him to die so I can live.

“This heart isn’t my heart or your heart. It’s our heart. I love you, Orion. Live enough for the both of us.”