You Better Watch Out: A Christmas Horror Comedy

by Matt Forgit

“Do you even care about Christmas?” “Christmas? A made-up holiday with made-up traditions that have nothing to do with religion, goodwill, or actual spirituality. Nothing about Christmas honors any historical legacy. It’s all been bastardized beyond recognition. We’re forced to buy presents we can’t afford for family members we are stuck with for a holiday we can’t escape. We tell kids that some fat creep watches them all year long to judge whether they’re worthy of gifts or not, when every other day, we tell kids to stay away from fat creeps. It’s a holiday invented for the rich to get richer and send people into credit card debt and for companies to make money. Have you ever researched the origins and meanings of Christmas, before the greeting card companies hijacked it? It’s terrifying. Christmas rivaled Halloween for a night of horror. Nowadays, it’s a soulless, commercial endeavor with nothing genuine or heartfelt behind it. Why do you think suicide rates are highest during the holidays? Christmas makes people feel unworthy, alone, stressed, depressed. And the craziest part? The whole universe celebrates it and tells us we’re the outcasts if we don’t. It’s mind-blowing.” “What I’m hearing is, you asked Santa for a Sabrina the Teenage Witch Tamagotchi and he didn’t come through for you. It’s okay to be bitter.”