You Better Watch Out: A Christmas Horror Comedy

by Matt Forgit

“Where the fuck have you been for the last forty-five years?” “I was on that Gilligan’s Island tour,” Hayden said. “One of the fans got overzealous and crashed the boat. A bunch of us made it to an uncharted island. No one ever came to rescue us. I’ve been there all this time. We made a whole colony there. A hundred of us, settlers living off of the land and hunting and foraging for food. I never stopped thinking about you, Elaine.” The crowd “aww”-ed. “I finally made a makeshift boat and made it to an ocean liner. I stowed away on their vessel and made it to port. I came to find you,” he continued. The crowd “ahh”-ed. “I had to assume a fake identity because I wasn’t ready to come back to the real world. I’ve missed so many years. I didn’t know if anyone remembered me. I didn’t know if I could handle all of the changes. I didn’t know if you were still here. I was afraid I’d be arrested or questioned because of the shipwreck.” The crowd “hmm”-ed. “How did you survive all these years? Why didn’t you try to come back before now?” Aunt Elaine asked. “Well, we did try. We lost a lot of people along the way. In the end, I ate everyone on the island to survive. I was the last one standing! I had to kill and cook every single survivor to get back to you. But once the meat was all gone, I had no other option but to try my fate on the great ocean.” “You killed and cannibalized all of the other people to come back to me?” Aunt Elaine said, as if it were the most romantic thing she’d...