You Better Watch Out: A Christmas Horror Comedy

by Matt Forgit

“What in the hell’s bells?”

The colorful burst of Christmas lights, coming from the corner, took him by surprise. Emmett gasped as he saw the decomposed, decayed corpse propped up in a lounge chair, wrapped in blinking lights.

The reindeer gutted and hollowed Emmett out and rearranged the train set. Emmett’s corpse was situated so that the miniature train would ride right through the gigantic hole in Emmett’s torso on every lap around the tiny track, round and round, in and out.

My milkshake will bring all the boys to the yard.

“I have a date with Angus and I may let him put his Elf on a Shelf in a very bad place.”

Everyone in this town looks like the kind of people who won’t make a gay wedding cake.

“You couldn’t find your butthole with a compass.

“And that’s how you can make your very own tinsel-embellished Paul Revere body pillow,”

There was a golf ball machine that was being repaired on the practice course. The machine malfunctioned while it was being fixed. All of a sudden, errant golf balls came flying out of nowhere at lethal speed and velocity and hit him on the left side of his head. At the same time, there was a wedding reception in the grand hall of the club and someone had shaken up the champagne bottles. When the bottles were opened, a hailstorm of corks came flying onto the golf course and hit my father on the right side of his head at the exact same time as the golf balls were hitting the left side. His head exploded. And then a wild pack of coyotes came out of the surrounding forest and ate him.”

“Oh my god, they were killed on Everest?” “Oh no, after they climbed back down, they went to the local galleria with my siblings and grandparents and were killed in a stampede of people trying to get Cabbage Patch Kids.”

“Some weirdo in a reindeer costume was staring at us,” said Ivy. “It’s probably just one of the neighbors in a Brony roleplay outfit,” Betsy said. “I read all about it on the My Little Pony adult fan website. They’re into that stuff.”

“Christmas forgiveness can eat my queefs,”

“What if he is one of those flat-earther people? Or is into Bigfoot erotica? Or has a room at home full of balloon animals that he talks to like they’re alive? That he hosts mock United Nations meetings for?

“When I was young, I went to Boy Scout camp, and this older kid dared me to climb to the top of a really big tree. I made it all the way up, but when I looked down, I realized how high I was in the air. I instantly had explosive diarrhea that shot out of the legholes in my shorts and rained down on my Boy Scout troop. And that was how I learned I’m afraid of heights. My nickname was ‘Thunderpoop’ from that day on.”

“Where the fuck have you been for the last forty-five years?” “I was on that Gilligan’s Island tour,” Hayden said. “One of the fans got overzealous and crashed the boat. A bunch of us made it to an uncharted island. No one ever came to rescue us. I’ve been there all this time. We made a whole colony there. A hundred of us, settlers living off of the land and hunting and foraging for food. I never stopped thinking about you, Elaine.” The crowd “aww”-ed. “I finally made a makeshift boat and made it to an ocean liner. I stowed away on their vessel and made it to port. I came to find you,” he continued. The crowd “ahh”-ed. “I had to assume a fake identity because I wasn’t ready to come back to the real world. I’ve missed so many years. I didn’t know if anyone remembered me. I didn’t know if I could handle all of the changes. I didn’t know if you were still here. I was afraid I’d be arrested or questioned because of the shipwreck.” The crowd “hmm”-ed. “How did you survive all these years? Why didn’t you try to come back before now?” Aunt Elaine asked. “Well, we did try. We lost a lot of people along the way. In the end, I ate everyone on the island to survive. I was the last one standing! I had to kill and cook every single survivor to get back to you. But once the meat was all gone, I had no other option but to try my fate on the great ocean.” “You killed and cannibalized all of the other people to come back to me?” Aunt Elaine said, as if it were the most romantic thing she’d...

“I ate all of them,” Hayden nodded. “I would eat them all again if it meant I got to see you one more time.”

“How fucking stupid is tinsel? This whole ass-backwards town, obsessed with tinsel. It’s literally everyone’s entire life here. If the tinsel industry shut down, you’d have to close the entire area and turn it into a ghost town,” said Bright. “It was me. I started the ‘ass-tinsel’ GleebGlob trend. I’m ShinyHappyButt37.” “You’re a monster!” Mary screamed.