You Better Watch Out: A Christmas Horror Comedy

by Matt Forgit

“You see her every day at work. She’s had a stick up her butt since we were kids. I saw her arrange the rocks on the beach once because she thought the ocean left them too disorganized. She was a hall monitor in school who grew up to be a hall monitor in life.”

“Just remember,” said Kara. “No matter how bad you feel about yourself, there are women who write love letters to serial killers. You’re not there yet.”

Tweeting is not a verb here.

“What I’m hearing is, you asked Santa for a Sabrina the Teenage Witch Tamagotchi and he didn’t come through for you. It’s okay to be bitter.”

“You know what I was thinking about? Remember in those old Hustler spreads, where the girls would put lollipops up their hoo-has? What do they do with the lollipops after the photo shoot is over? Does someone eat it? Or do they just throw it away? Is there some lollipop-atorium where they collect all of them?”

“Oh my god, Robin, I’m going to send you to a sex addiction group.” “I’d just sleep with all of them.” “Please go away and stop corrupting my browser history.”

Jed dressed like he was getting ready to follow Phish all over the nation— hemp clothes, beaded necklaces, and Teva sandals.

“How many drinks do you think it’ll take for Aunt Elaine to be drunk enough that we can throw her abominable homemade fruitcake into the trash but convince her tomorrow that we all actually ate it?” she said.

“Ralph was selling his jizz socks online, so I wasn’t super excited to commit to a life with him,” Mary said.

“Tinselvania is a very inclusive town,” Alvinia continued. “There’s no prejudice or hate here. We accept everybody. Even Mr. Drexler, and he married his tractor.” “It was a lovely ceremony,” Aunt Elaine agreed.

“Oh god, this is my genetic legacy,” said Mary. “And you were the one who bought me Microwave for One last Christmas!”

“He also said ‘upmost’ for ‘utmost,’ and pronounced the ‘L’ in ‘salmon,’ to be fair. Don’t you want me to feel magic and see fireworks when I fall in love? He wasn’t even really a firefighter. He was a dancer in an all-male revue and that was his costume. He also did kids’ parties using the same costume, which leaves me with lots of moral and ethical questions.”