Shallow River

by H.D. Carlton

sucks you in, body and soul, with no chance of escape while he destroys every last bit of you.

Ink black hair, a little longer on top than the sides, vivid green eyes that rival the grass outside, and tattoos. Tattoos everywhere.

He’ll kiss the bruise for me later.

Abusers don’t only manipulate their victims, but they get off on making other’s believe that they’re upstanding people. They trick them into thinking that they would never hurt a fly, so when accusations come to the surface, they’re considered outrageous.

Ryan will never be punished for his crimes unless one of his victims press charges.

“He’s good. I’ll give him that.” When I frown, he clarifies, “He’s broken you so effortlessly, the pain hasn’t even hit you yet.”

You deserved that.

No you didn't :(

you end up in my handcuffs, it won’t be because I’m arresting you.”

I’ve never had a man give me a choice. It’s always been take, take, take.

“Then give that privilege to a man who deserves it. If you want a man to own you, then let him. But that’s not something he has a right to without your consent,”

“The only way I want to own a woman is by owning her pleasure. I want her body to sing for me—a tune that only I can hear. I want her body to gravitate towards mine like a moth to a flame. And I want her to grow to dislike the feeling of being so empty when my cock isn’t inside of her.”

“Did he whisper sweet nothings to you all night and promise never to hurt you again?”

I put myself in that situation, so it’s my own fucking fault.

126 MISSED CALLS. 349 UNREAD MESSAGES. 40 VOICEMAILS.

I’m just so hurt by the way you’re treating me. You’re acting like I never meant anything to you.

Another text comes through. This time it’s an image. Ryan is holding a gun to his head, the look in his eyes desperate and wild.

I’m sorry for being raped, Ryan. I’m sorry I was beaten half to death while my mother watched and didn’t do a damn thing to save me. I’m sorry I watched my mother being raped in return. I’m sorry that an evil man is attached to me and will do anything to hurt me. And I’m sorry you’re just like him.

I need out. I need out. I need out. I need out.

“You’re my girlfriend, River. I own you. I can fuck you whenever I want.”

The fear that grips you when you think about turning him in. How many times he threatened to kill her, and then would nearly follow through. Not for one second did Ryan make it seem like an idle threat. And then the brainwashing. He would convince her that it’s her fault he treats her like that. As if she actually fucking deserved it. Gaslight her and make her feel crazy and dramatic. He would dehumanize her, strip away her identity and make her feel like no one else could love her except for him. That he’s doing her a service by loving her when no one else possibly could.

The gaslighting and manipulation are what convinces victims to stay and endure.

You’re dressed up, who are you looking nice for? Do you want men to look at you like that? Do you want them to fuck you? Please, baby, I get so worried that someone better is going to come along and take you away from me. You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve you. You’re going to the store? Why, to cheat on me? Are you going there to flirt with other men? You’re out with your friend? I bet you’re talking about other guys. Why would you hang out with them without me, what are you hiding?

That’s what everyone always says, right? I’d never let a man hit me. You don’t even realize that’s what has happened until it’s too late.

And you’ve already told yourself he won’t ever do it again. That he’s sorry. He’s stressed. You were wrong.

Don’t worry, baby, I won’t leave you.

And I can’t wait to show you exactly what your love has turned me into.

He’s proposing to me the same day he fucked another woman.

No, no. Not my cat. Anything but my cat.

“And if you ever try to leave, especially with my baby, I will find you. No amount of police will ever keep me from finding you, River. And when I do, I will kill you.”

I pray I’m around to witness it.

The biggest misconception with survivors of abuse is that they’re choosing to stay. Anyone in our situation would leave if it were that easy. But when someone is threatening your life daily, sometimes staying seems like the safer choice. Even if you know, it’ll kill you one day.

The unpredictable abuse is still predictable, and that can be a little less scary than trying to rebuild a life on your own with the constant fear that this person will come after you and snatch it away. All that hard work—gone. And sometimes your life, too.

Keeping my cat safe means more to me than I am capable of expressing.

The fact that my loving bundle of fur is now reduced to distrust, is heartbreaking.

I laugh, enjoying his fright.

Oh, no. What will he do now that his perfect face has been tarnished forever?

And all I can do is smile.

I give him a wicked little smile. “It’s my turn to be the punisher.”

DRAGGING RYAN’S DEADWEIGHT UP several flights of stairs is something I never prepared for.

Now that I got him here in front of me, helpless and hurt, there’s no stopping me now.

But did you die, River? No. Can’t say I did.

I don’t need saving. I never did.

Worst of all, you repeatedly told me about your own pain with him, and I chose not to believe you. There’s enough victim blaming in this world, and I’m sorry I became one of those people.”

I’m stained. I’m also other things too. Broken. Scarred. Traumatized. Strong. Fierce. Vengeful…

“I’m torturing him,” she confesses softly.

“We’re in this together, baby.”

That’s my girl.

I’ve taken back the power stolen from me, wielded it like a weapon, and slayed my demons.

Connecting with someone romantically while murdering my abusive boyfriend doesn’t sit right with me. Messes with my inner peace.

I don’t bargain with rapists and abusers. I’d rather hurt them.