Shallow River

by H.D. Carlton

“If you end up in my handcuffs, it won’t be because I’m arresting you.”

Why does my body melt every time I hear his fucking voice? I don’t want my body to melt. I want it to turn into solid, unmeltable stone. Hearing his voice feels like injecting heroin. But just because heroin feels good, doesn’t mean it’s not capable of killing you. Mako is bad for me.

I hate that being around Ryan feels like standing next to a tornado, while his brother feels like finding safety in a storm shelter.

Why does it ache so bad hearing him in pain? He doesn’t hurt when I hurt.

No tingles. No thrill. Just familiarity. Something I’ve always wanted in life. Comfort, the feeling of home, to be content. I was so tired of being touched by unfamiliar hands that I thrived off the comfort of Ryan’s hands on me. But I never realized that being familiar doesn’t mean being safe until now.

You’re dressed up, who are you looking nice for? Do you want men to look at you like that? Do you want them to fuck you? Please, baby, I get so worried that someone better is going to come along and take you away from me. You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve you. You’re going to the store? Why, to cheat on me? Are you going there to flirt with other men? You’re out with your friend? I bet you’re talking about other guys. Why would you hang out with them without me, what are you hiding?

A year ago, there wouldn’t be a goddamn person on this planet that could convince me I’d let myself get to this point. That I’d let a man hit me. That’s what everyone always says, right? I’d never let a man hit me. You don’t even realize that’s what has happened until it’s too late. You’ve already been pushed down the stairs and slapped across the face. There are already hand and fingerprint bruises marring your arms and neck. And you’ve already told yourself he won’t ever do it again. That he’s sorry. He’s stressed. You were wrong. Bad, bad girl. Feel guilty for making him lay hands on you. You deserved that. Leave? He’ll kill himself. No one will ever love you the way he does, and you love him, too. You don’t want him to die.