Shallow River

by H.D. Carlton

For the vulnerable. For the strong. For the survivors. For the warriors.

I’ve never had that. Not with any man. And sometimes—well, sometimes it fucking hurts.

yah it fucking does

“You’re wearing a lot of makeup,” he comments. The smile melts off my face like butter in a frying pan.

The way she immediately fell silent and stoic. I know it all too well. To do something you hope they would like only to be met with disappointment.

He turns away from me anyway, putting his BMW in drive and lurching ahead with ease. I tuck a strand of my curly black hair behind my ear, suddenly self-conscious. Did I go too heavy on the foundation? Does my face look like a dimpled cake? Maybe I should’ve gone without the eyeliner.

The questioning, God the questioning FUCK

He sucks you in, body and soul, with no chance of escape while he destroys every last bit of you. “How so?”

Y E S

Hope—what a useless emotion.

My thoughts exactly

He hasn’t worn me down from wearing it yet, though.

....yet

How can I get out of this without upsetting him? If I refuse, it’ll disappoint him, and that’s the last thing I want.

Stockholm Syndrome at its finest

I want is to satisfy him. Make him happy. Give him something no other woman has before me.

I’m disappointed in myself. Disappointed that even though I genuinely don’t want to do this, my body says the opposite. Ryan knows it, too. I deflate. I’m not going to pull that look out of him if I refuse.

its such a mind fuck

Ryan is so experienced, and it always makes me feel like a virgin.

It takes the asshole nine minutes to come.

Why does he need to dig the knife in deeper? He got what he wanted.

Narcistic

Growing up in a shitty town, in a shitty house with an even shittier mother, teaches you to be independent. Shallow Hill is a breeding ground for gangs, prostitutes, and the homeless. I’ve learned to survive. But I’m bereft of human connection. Sometimes it feels like Ryan takes that pathetic need inside of me and wields it to his advantage.

Thats what predators do

Ink black hair, a little longer on top than the sides, vivid green eyes that rival the grass outside, and tattoos. Tattoos everywhere.

So many memories of wonderful dates that ended in passionate sex. Moments where we would just laugh together, sometimes for no reason at all. Him doting on me, professing love to me in the cutest ways, and always surprising me with sentimental gifts. I don’t know when those memories started mixing with much darker ones. The sentiments and doting are nowhere to be seen. All the little things he used to do for me, like making sure I had coffee in the morning, keeping my favorite water stocked, or coming home with flowers after work, have disappeared. Now, it’s just Ryan demanding to go through my phone, calling me a whore for wearing too much make-up or revealing clothes, and now putting his hands on me in almost violent ways.

Work has been stressing him lately. Maybe that’s why.

Always trying to make excuses for him

Ryan had asked me to quit my job when I moved in,

Same girl same

Slowly, I sit down next to him and eat. Did I do something wrong? I don’t want to anger him further. I look at him, watching his face for a reaction to the food. It’d only make things worse if I didn’t make a good breakfast for him. “Do you like it?” I ask anxiously. He glances at me, licking a dollop of cream from the corner of his mouth. “I’m eating it, aren’t I?” I frown. That’s not really an answer.

EVERY FUCKING NIGHT

Why won’t he talk that way to me? The moment he hangs up, the iciness settles back in, frosting the entire house with his energy. I’m generally not a petty person, but I’m on the verge of burning sage around the house to expel his negative vibes.

How can two people cohabitate the same house, but it feels like I’m alone? I give up trying, and by night, I’m silently fuming.

H.D. Carlton I need to talk to you because there is no way you write this without knowing what this feels like and please tell me you got out!

And now this. We were fine. We were fucking fine. What happened?

Hope. Hope is hopeless.

You always do this. You make things into a big deal when it is just us sitting in comfortable silence and relaxing. Why are you trying to pick a fight with me for no reason?”

My lip trembles. Is that what I was doing? I thought he was ignoring me this whole time when really, he was just enjoying my company in comfortable silence. I feel so stupid.

“Do you want to cuddle or not?” he snaps. He’s throwing me one last bone, and I snatch it up like a starved dog. Shamefully, I crawl into his lap. He smiles broadly and circles his arms around me, shifting int...

while I lie awake berating myself for ruining the day. Next time, I’ll do better.

He’s caused enough damage to carry over to my next three lifetimes, at least. He took my innocence and my entire childhood. Both irreplaceable. Both I’ll never get back.

He’s like a fucking chihuahua, a small little shit that acts like they have a big bark and tries to lord over everyone bigger than them. For most of Ryan’s life, it’s worked too.

my

He’s got a beautiful girl at home that treats him far better than he deserves, and yet he still fucks around.

She will not cower from her roots, yet she bends like a rose bush for my brother. Her thorns may bite, but ultimately, he will clip them off until she’s left with a weak backbone that will easily snap beneath his hands. Everything that once made her vibrant and beautiful will wilt, and eventually, he’ll toss her aside when there’s nothing left of her.

Abusers don’t only manipulate their victims, but they get off on making other’s believe that they’re upstanding people. They trick them into thinking that they would never hurt a fly, so when accusations come to the surface, they’re considered outrageous.

An emotion I can’t name flickers in his eyes, gone too quickly before I can figure it out.

“Don’t be stupid. I wouldn’t date you if you were above a size five.”

Oh this makes me so angry

“You’re not. I will check your clothing.”

Jesus fing Crrst

“Of course. I’ll start looking for a dress now.” “Don’t worry about that, I’ll find you a dress,” he says, taking a sip of his own wine. I cover my frown with my glass. “You don’t want me to pick out my own dress?” He sighs with impatience, seemingly becoming fed up with me. I don’t know why. “Why do you always make me out to be the bad guy? Have you considered that maybe I just want to treat you? Take some stress off your shoulders, so you don’t have to worry about it?” I

I’m ruining this entire night. It seems that since the moment I got in the car, I keep saying the wrong thing.

Fuck this is so close to home

“Do you know that I’m the only one who does, River? I’m all you have. No one else will ever love you like I do. And you make me do these things, and I hate it,” he whispers.

I cried myself to sleep. I cried myself awake. I cried myself to class. Now, I’ve reached the end of class and the sunglasses haven’t come off once. My puffy eyes will attract unwanted attention, and the last thing I need is a bunch of petty bitches judging my relationship.

“If you end up in my handcuffs, it won’t be because I’m arresting you.”

“You’re not a whore, River. You were repeatedly raped and were forced into those situations because you were slowly dying from hunger.”

“Then give that privilege to a man who deserves it. If you want a man to own you, then let him. But that’s not something he has a right to without your consent,”

“The only way I want to own a woman is by owning her pleasure. I want her body to sing for me—a tune that only I can hear. I want her body to gravitate towards mine like a moth to a flame. And I want her to grow to dislike the feeling of being so empty when my cock isn’t inside of her.”

“Mad at me? I’ve done nothing but take care of you this whole relationship. You have everything you could ask for. I’ve loved you and cared for you. I’ve only treated you how you deserved. If I’ve had to teach you a lesson when you got out of line, then that’s not my fucking fault,” he spits. Literally, too. Spittle flies out of his mouth as his anger increases.

I’ve heard these exact words myself

comfortable.

The girl who refused to take shit from any man. Where’d she go?

Tears burn my eyes, not from sadness but from happiness. I feel on top of the world now. I feel like we’re finally moving in the direction we need to be. It feels like we’re healing.

“Let me make you feel good,”

You put no value in something, then you have nothing to hold onto. You put too much value in it, and you have everything to lose. I’ve already made that mistake because right now, it feels like I’ve lost everything.