Together: Why Social Connection Holds the Key to Better Health, Higher Performance, and Greater Happiness

by Vivek H. Murthy

in the early grades, boys will walk with their arms around one another and huddle close together as they talk. Little boys and girls tend to talk about their friendships similarly—with excitement, enthusiasm, and passion. In childhood, boys will develop deep, meaningful friendships with emotional honesty and intimacy. But as they approach puberty, they learn that social closeness is not okay. “When I share with twelve-year-old boys the story of one of their peers who confided he feels sad and deeply hurt about friendships that are lost,” Niobe told me, “the boys typically laugh. But when I tell them 85 percent of the boys I talk to say the same thing in private, they are silent. And then they start sharing about their friendships and challenges. All I have done is normalize emotions.” But when no one steps in to encourage this normalization, growing boys tell themselves they don’t need to confide their feelings in friends anymore. They begin to mold themselves to a model of manhood that they believe will be desirable to women and acceptable in society. This version of masculinity, delivered through the media, as well as by their families and local culture, emphasizes independence, physical power, and emotional stoicism. One emotion that this model allows men to express is anger. That’s because anger so often ignites displays of power and toughness. As such, it’s one of the few emotions a man can express and still feel masculine. But unlike feelings such as sadness, joy, an...