When Nothing Else Matters (Heartstrings, #1)

by Katherine Jay

“Thomas…” I pause, unable to bring myself to ask. “He doesn’t know.” She answers my silent question, wiping the tears from her eyes. “Why wouldn’t she tell him?” My heart is breaking for her. For Summer. I want to wrap her in my arms and never let her go. Protect her from everything that’s bad in this world. I want to kiss her head and tell her…Actually, I don’t want any of that. I need it. “She couldn’t…Wasn’t allowed…Please don’t ask me anything else,” Cory says, looking broken. “She’s never going to trust me again.” She breaks down, and Nate gives me a pleading look, causing my chest to tighten. I’m not sorry she told me, but I’m sorry for my behavior. Summer needs her friends, and Cory doesn’t deserve the hurt I’ve caused her. “I’m sorry, Cory.” I get up off the ground and walk over, dropping down beside her. “I really am. I just…” “You love her,” she says between sniffs, the hint of a smile now shining through.

I want to save her like I couldn’t save that little girl, like I couldn’t save my dad, but maybe she doesn’t need saving. Or want it.

After my father died, that’s all people remembered from that day. I love my dad, more than anything. I shouldn’t be thinking about that girl. But I do, every day. I think about her because if that man hadn’t hurt her or if I’d just ignored it like everyone else, then my father would still be alive. And I feel so guilty for thinking that, and guilty for sending him after her, and guilty for not being able to help either of them. I’ll never know how badly she was hurt, or if she… I don’t want to think about it anymore, but I can’t get that day out of my mind.

Summer says something, breaking my thoughts, but I don’t hear it. She’s looking up at me from her position on the floor with tears streaming down her face. Her hand rests on my knee, and she gives it a light squeeze. I hadn’t even noticed she’d moved closer. “Sorry, I didn’t hear—” “She’s okay,” she repeats while wiping under her eyes. If she’s trying to make me feel better, I appreciate it, but it’s not working. I shake my head slightly. “Thank you for saying that, but we don’t know—” “Dylan, she’s okay.” She looks me dead in the eyes, begging me to understand something. “At least, she’s trying to be.” Huh? I stare back at her in silence, frozen in place, as my mind runs over and over her words. “She’s okay.” I close my eyes for a second, and when I open them, everything’s clear. Instead of seeing the grown woman beside me, I see a little girl with long blonde hair standing on the sidelines, the little girl I couldn’t save. Summer? “Summer?” I ask aloud this time. She nods and smiles as another tear slides down her cheek. I catch it with my finger, and the touch burns me. I’m not sure how I feel about what’s just been revealed, so I can’t seem to smile back.

We’re both quiet for a while until I remember the one thing I always wanted to say to that little girl. “I’m sorry.” I leave off my reasons for the apology, because it’s not what one would think. If I were to be completely honest, I’d say, “I’m sorry for not reaching you in time, and I’m sorry for hating you when you did nothing wrong.” Summer shakes her head and then crawls into my arms, hugging me tightly before resting her forehead on mine. “You saved me, Dylan. He may have hurt me that day, but after that, it all stopped. The drinking, the anger…...

The best I can do is pull her into another hug. So I do. I hold her tight. Breathe in her scent. Feel her warmth. My hands are running up and down her back, like I’ve done many times before, only this time I’m thinking about what’s beneath my fingers, beneath the clothes. Thinking about all that she’s been through. I don’t think I’ve ever met a stronger person. My chest fills with something I’ve never felt before, and fuck, I knew I loved her, but this is stronger than that. I really love her. I’m in love with her. I never thought I’d be feeling anxious and uncertain when I finally found someone to love, but I do.

I pull back and brush a hair away from her face. “Summer, you will always be the most beautiful, smart, caring, funny…most amazing person I’ve ever met.” But…I’m the one who needs a moment this time. I press my lips to her head, and we both sigh. I’m so wrapped up in the fact that Summer and the little girl are one and the same that I momentarily forget what that really means. Her father is not only an abusive asshole, but he’s the reason my father is dead. I need to get out of here. She can’t see me break. She’ll blame herself, and she’s already been through too much.

Watching Dylan leave was hard. Even though I’d been pissed at him when he arrived, I wanted him to stay. I needed him to stay. Seeing him like that, so broken, ignited a fierce protectiveness in me. I wanted nothing more than to hold him close and take away his pain, pretending I wasn’t the cause of it. I’ve never been on the receiving end of someone walking away before, and I gotta say, it’s not a great feeling.

I rest my forehead against his and block out the world around us. “Dylan, when you hurt, I hurt,” I say, repeating the words he once said to me, because they’re one hundred percent true. That’s when it hits me. God, how did I not see it sooner? How did it take so long to figure out that Dylan is my person. He’s the one. He’s my everything. “I’m falling—” “Don’t. Please,” he says, cutting me off. I hadn’t even realized I’d said those words out loud. Was I about to say I was falling in love with him? Am I? I feel a warmth spread up from my chest until it hits my face, and I’m thankful it’s now dark, so no one can see me blush with embarrassment. Dylan lifts my face up with his thumb and looks into my eyes. His eyes hold so much pain that I want to look away. “Not here, not now,” he pleads.

Dylan smiles, but it’s missing its usual warmth. My heart clenches at the sight of it. Without noticing the tension in the air, Thomas gives me a kiss on the cheek and then heads to the driver’s side. “I’ll be in the truck.” I step away, out of earshot, and wait for Dylan to follow. He takes a deep breath when he reaches me and then speaks. “I’m so sorry for everything you went through. For my part in it, for your shitty parents, and the even shittier hand you were dealt.” Instead of highlighting that he had nothing to be sorry for, I simply say, “thank you,” and nod. “I want you to know that I’ll always care for you, Summer. I’ll always be your best friend.” Oh God! My heart beats rapidly in my chest, and I can’t bring myself to look at him. I knew that something was seriously wrong when he stopped my earlier confession. This feels like goodbye, and I’m not at all ready for that.

It’s been a month since the last time I locked eyes on her. A fucking month. I always thought if we ended up in this situation it would be Summer’s doing not mine. I was wrong. So, so wrong. This is all on me. When Summer’s dad hinted that he’d hurt her…no, hurt isn’t a strong enough word. That he’d physically assaulted her to the point of scars, because he’d seen me at his house. It broke something inside me. And I don’t just mean my heart.

Summer was trying to tell me she was falling for me that night at her dad’s, but I cut her off.” He chokes on his drink and coughs for a second, shaking his head in disbelief. “Um, what?” “You heard me.” I shrug, like that piece of information isn’t eating me up inside. “Fuck! Poor Summer. Serial dater Dylan strikes again.” My eyes widen in shock, which quickly turns to anger. “What the fuck, Joel? You know that’s not what this is.” “It’s not? Then why aren’t you together? If she’s falling in love with you, and you love her…why aren’t you together, right now?” A heavy lump forms in my throat, and I feel a bit sick. I’m going to assume that the bitter tone in his voice has everything to do with seeing Summer. He doesn’t generally get this worked up over my issues, and he’s become quite protective of her. What he doesn’t understand is that so I am I. I would do anything to keep her from more harm. “I’m doing it for her,” I say through gritted teeth. “She knows I still care; we message. But, I’m messed up. I’m lost. I feel so guilty for everything that happened to her that I can barely sleep. She doesn’t need me dragging her down into this deep ocean of pain.” Joel rolls his eyes as though I’m talking shit. “Very poetic. But don’t you think that’s exactly what she’s been telling herself about you for your entire friendship. From the first time I saw you together, I knew there was a spark. Hell, everyone could see it, even you. Summer’s been fighting it this whole time, tr...

“I’m not finished. When she finally opens up and lets herself not only accept love, but feel it…you ran. You fuckin’ ran. So, you shouldn’t be asking me ‘what the fuck?’ You should be turning that question on yourself. And you’ve been messaging…Who cares? You need to talk to her.” I stare at him in silence, because fuck, he’s right. I panicked when she started to say she was falling for me. I thought it was because I wanted to clear my head before hearing those words. He’s right; I should have talked to her instead of messages. Fuck, am I a commitment phobe? “Yep, you absolutely are. But I thought it was different with Summer,” Joel says, breaking into my thoughts. I’ve really gotta stop saying them out loud. “Why have you waited until now to tell me all of this?” “Because I thought she was avoiding you, too, and I kinda hoped you’d get there on your own.”

I love him. Ugh! It’s because of that I can’t seem to hate him, even if I want to.

Right now, it doesn’t feel like something we can get past. But God, I want it to. Dylan steps forward and wipes his thumbs under my eyes. It’s only when they come away wet that I realize I’m crying. He gently kisses my forehead and then takes a step back, a look of absolute devastation crossing his face. “I’m too late, aren’t I?” he rasps. My heart cracks in two, and I’m pulled from my own torment. I can’t bear to see him like that…ever. His question put everything into perspective. The thought of never being with Dylan again pains me. I can’t imagine not being able to kiss him or touch him. So is he too late? No. He’s not. And if he’s not too late, then why delay the inevitable?

“Please tell me I’m not too late?” I beg. I need to hear the words. She shakes her head and pulls me back into her, sucking my bottom lip into her mouth. It’s not exactly an answer, so I break the kiss again and prepare to lay everything on the line. Raising our linked fingers to my lips, I hold them there and look into her eyes. The most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen, eyes that I want to see every day, eyes that I want my children to have. Fuck! This is my last shot. “Summer, I need you to tell me we’re going to be okay. I need to hear the words because I’m so in love with you that I can’t bear to stay in any kind of limbo.” She stares at me in shock, but I continue. “I know it might take time to trust me again, to trust in us. But I need to know you haven’t given up. That I have a shot. Please, Summer, I love you.” She blinks a few times, and a lone tear runs down her cheek. “But, you can’t…” Her words trail off as she drops her chin to her chest. The look on her face as she speaks is heartbreaking. She’s not saying “you can’t” because she doesn’t want me to love her, she’s saying that because she truly believes no one could. God, I’m such a fuckup. I should have been showing her every day that she deserves love, that she’s worthy.

I frame her face with my hands and lock eyes with her. I need to know she’s listening, really listening to my next words. “Summer, you are perfect to me. Everything about you is perfect for me. When I look at you, I see my future. I’ll admit that at first, these intense feelings scared the hell out of me and kept me away, but it didn’t change the fact that the feelings are there. I love you. I’m in love with you. I should have focused on that instead of everything else we had going on. Because Summer, nothing else matters. I love you and—” “Stop, please.” She looks away, refusing to meet my eyes, and my shoulders sink. I’m too late. I thought I’d felt something in our kiss, but maybe I’m wrong. God, is this the end? Are we done? I’m so stupid. I should have taken her in my arms at her parents’ house and told her how I felt. Actually, I should have let her tell me how she felt when she wanted to. Why did I have to freak out like that? I don’t deserve her. She needs someone strong, someone who’ll fight for her from the beginning. I know that now, but that information might be useless.

Summer remains quiet while I free-fall into hell. It’s clear she’s struggling with the right words, so I make it easy for her. “It’s okay,” I begin, ready to help her end it. “I un—” She places a finger over my lips to shush me and smiles shyly. “I love you too.” Fuck! My heart stops at her words and then beats again in double time. I’ve heard those words many times before, but this time it feels like my entire world has shifted, and now everything’s in its rightful place. I smile back at her and grab her face again, kissing her nose, her forehead, her cheeks before ending back at her li...

This is it. She is it for me. I’m going to marry this girl. Breaking our stare, I lower my lips to hers and make love to the girl I adore more than anything else in the world.

“You’ve loved me for a while, haven’t you?” she asks, without raising her head. “I have,” I answer, my voice coming out a little raspy. Summer lifts her head and rests her chin on my chest, looking into my eyes. “I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it.” “I should have been clearer. How I felt about you should never have been in question.” She’s shaking her head as I speak. “No, I mean, I’m sorry it took me so long to realize I felt the same.” I smile and pull her hand up to my lips, kissing it gently. “You got there in the end.” She scrunches her nose. “Actually, I think I was there somewhere in the middle. I just put up a hell of a fight.” She giggles, and the sound of it runs right through me.

Ever since Summer decided to move in here, Joel’s been making my life hell. He’s lucky I trust him with my life, and yes, I mean Summer—she’s my life.

“I’m graduating early. I’m finishing up my final subjects as we speak and then I’m officially done.” His eyes widen in a mixture of shock and awe. “Seriously?” “Yes.” I laugh. “Seriously. So…I’m thinking about moving to Denver. Do you know anyone that needs a roomie?” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, Dylan flips me on to my back and kisses me with everything that he has. “Fuck, I love you,” he says between kisses, before pulling away and staring down into my soul. “Marry me.” “W…What?” I stammer and my heart rate spikes.

He doesn’t answer me but instead pulls us both up until we’re standing and then drops down on one knee. “I was going to wait and do this on New Year’s Eve. I don’t even have the ring, but right now it feels even more perfect. Summer, I knew there was something about you the second I laid eyes on you. I had this intense need to protect you and I never even knew who you were. When I met you again over two years ago, I had the strongest feeling of déjà vu, like we’d met before, and an even stronger desire to never let you go. I may have fought it, but deep down my heart knew it was you. You were the one. “I used to think that becoming your fake best friend was the best thing to ever happen to me, but now that I’m on one knee, looking into your eyes and seeing our future, I know that the best is yet to come. Every day with you is better than the last. Summer, I love you. Will you marry me?”

I love this man with all my heart. “Yes!” I cry, dropping down onto my knees in front of him. My arms wrap around his neck as his own hands hold my face. “You just made a ten-year-old me very happy. How many people get to marry their first crush?” I say with a wink. Dylan’s eyes light up and he laughs before pulling my face to his and smothering me in a bruising kiss. And just like that, I’m engaged to my best friend, and there is nothing fake about it.