Gloam (Monstrous, #4)

by Lily Mayne

Was it wrong of me to be staring at a monster’s ass? I was pretty sure the answer to that, if I asked anyone in this camp, would be a resounding yes. Maybe a hell yes. Probably a what the fuck is wrong with you, dude?

Lilac practically embraced awkward moments. Like it was a game to see how uncomfortable he could make people with his silent presence.

It made me sad to see how everyone avoided Aury. He was creepy looking, sure, but he was the sweetest thing. Quiet and kind and gentle. I hoped he stuck around, mainly because Ghost was clearly smitten already, but also because he seemed to soothe some of my anxious best friend’s frantic nervous energy. Aury was good for him.

Endless dark eyes turned up to me. They always looked sad and sombre until Aury smiled, and his face transformed into something sweet. Honestly, I could see why Ghost was already a puddle of goo around this beastie. He was adorable, even with the unnerving black eyes.

I sat up immediately and practically flung myself out of bed to get away. Nope. No, thank you. I would have lived a very happy life without knowing what my best friend sounded like in the throes of monster-induced passion, but it was too late for that now. That knowledge had already burned itself into my brain, and I had to find a way to live with it.

Ghost wasn’t perverted. Aury wasn’t a freak or a thing. Neither was the beastie chained to Mary’s RV. They were just different. And different was good, in my opinion. Different was great.

They were so freakin’ adorable. Pretending they hadn’t spent the whole night fucking, acting all shy and uncertain around one another. Ghost had gone bright red when I’d teased him about it, but he’d quickly shut me up when he started teasing me back about wanting “freaky monster sex”. My mind had immediately gone to the beastie outside the camp, but it felt so wrong to think of him that way now that I’d seen those metal rings going into his spine.

My sigh was downright orgasmic when I exhaled after my first drag, the grey smoke visible for a few seconds in the dark before it curled away. “Nasty habit,” Lilac commented flatly after a minute of silence. I snorted, reaching up to rub my eyes, my cigarette clasped between two fingers. “So is killing people.” “If I start to crave killing like you crave nicotine, everyone in this camp should be worried.” His voice was dry and only faintly amused.

Gloam stared at the words for a long moment. His fingers twitched around his war hammer, and I couldn’t contain my flinch. Despite what I’d said to Lilac, a tiny part of me still expected him to swing it up and crush my head with it. He must have noticed, because his caged head quickly lifted to look at me. I won’t hurt you, he scrawled. I’m sorry if I scare you. I immediately felt like shit. You don’t, I wrote quickly. Sorry, I just don’t like the Wastes. Or the dark. I’m on edge.

Thank you, Adam. But you shouldn’t put yourself at any risk for me. I bristled, feeling childish when I wrote back, Well you can’t stop me. I’m going to try anyway. Gloam read my words, and I jumped a little when he let out a tiny, amused rumble from deep in his chest. My cheeks flushing, I chanced a smile up at him.

I ignored the weird tightening in my gut at the realisation that, maybe, he had a lover or partner that she was holding captive instead. I knew I had to ask—I had to rule out all possibilities—but I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer to that. Which was ridiculous. I was attracted to him, sure, but that didn’t mean anything.

I will protect you. I won’t let anything hurt you. I went past the softening stage to melting entirely, like butter in a hot frying pan. I know. I trust you.

Something in me softened at the sight of him caring for them. Caring for all of us. I hadn’t thought he might be violent since our first conversation, but seeing him tirelessly do chore after chore for such a shitty person made my chest hurt. He deserved better.

I didn’t even know for sure what it was about him. I had initially found him weirdly attractive, sure, but it felt different now. Deeper. He was just so… solid and steady. Sure in every one of his movements, never faltering.

At one point, when he was sure Mary wouldn’t see, Gloam had moved closer to me and briefly curled the fingers of his free hand around mine, the other dragging his war hammer behind him across the ground. I felt myself calm at his solid, comforting touch, and I squeezed his hand hard before he let go.

I’m going to figure this out, I told him. I’m not giving up until you’re free. Gloam was still for a long moment, his caged head bent low. Slowly, he started writing. I am so scared that I will have to hurt you.

I can’t wait to see your face when we get that cage off you, I wrote, letting him know that I wasn’t giving up despite his inability to confirm my suspicions. Gloam let out a low rumble of amusement, and his hand was more relaxed as he wrote, now that we weren’t getting too close to the truth he was compelled to hide.

Mary has already told you what I look like under here. I am ugly to human eyes. Not like you. A spark of heat caught and warmed in my belly. Did that mean he liked how I looked? Mary can go fuck herself, I scrawled on the page, digging the pencil in hard. I know you’re not ugly. You couldn’t be to me.

Gloam slowly curled his fingers around mine, giving me enough time to pull away if I wanted to, which—of course I didn’t. I flipped my palm quickly to lace our fingers together, staring down at our joined hands. His was so big, almost engulfing mine. His skin was a dark grey in the lantern’s weak light, but I could detect the veins snaking over the back of his hand. Not the same as his thick cabling—these were more delicate. Fragile looking.

“Thank you,” I whispered, wriggling closer, desperate to suck up all his warmth. Gloam’s answering rumble vibrated under me, and I sighed as I settled my cold temple on his shoulder. Even though his muscles were hard and solid, it was the best pillow I could have asked for out here. I fell asleep shockingly fast, lulled by the slow rise and fall of Gloam’s broad chest underneath me. That was how I started sleeping in the arms of a monster every night.

My heart racing, I looked at Gloam still standing in front of the dead creature’s body. His back heaved with his breaths. When he turned and his caged head tilted up to look at me, checking I was alright, my eyes filled abruptly with tears. Before I could even register my body moving, I was scrambling down the ladder and running toward him. “Gloam—” My voice hitched, and I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around him, to make sure he was alright. To thank him for protecting me.

Gloam had moved closer when I turned back, and I desperately wanted to cling onto his hand. “Are you alright? Did it hurt you?” My voice wobbled, and I was glad for my mask when my chin trembled.

“Thank you for protecting me,” I whispered as we walked, aching to burrow into his arms. I settled for reaching over and squeezing his hand, all too aware that Mary could be watching. I didn’t know what she’d do if she realised Gloam and I were close. That he had some comfort out here when she had clearly made every effort to ensure he didn’t. He squeezed back, his long fingers closing around mine before letting go. It felt inadequate. Not enough to show him how grateful I was. How much he meant to me. How much I thought of him.

Gloam’s big fingers spasmed around the pencil, and my heart dropped as I realised this would be something he couldn’t answer. But then he shifted his big body to face me and took my hands in both of his. I stared down at them, absently squeezing as if it would help ease the tension in his frame.

“Fuck,” I whimpered out loud, pursing my lips tight when I realised what I’d done. I couldn’t keep speaking out loud. It could wake Mary. My hand was shaking when I wrote back, I don’t want to leave you. You have to, he replied immediately, squeezing my hand again. But what will happen to you? Do not worry about me.

“I’m going to free you,” I told him, my voice low but steely with determination. “I promise, Gloam.” He was so still, but after a moment he raised one hand and trailed his long fingers down my arm in a soft caress.

When I felt an unmistakable twitch—from him—against the fly of my pants, I sucked in a sharp breath. Gloam pushed me away from him immediately, shoulders hunched as he fumbled for the notebook. I’m sorry. His handwriting was a messy scrawl. “No,” I breathed immediately, eyes dropping unbidden to his lap. His thick thigh blocked out the faint light from the solar lantern, leaving everything in shadows. My gut clenched with want regardless. “I… Fuck, I want you.” The words tripped out of me, and I was helpless to stop them. “But I… I…” I want you too.

want to touch you so much, Gloam.” He let out a low rumble at my whispered words. “But it… It feels wrong when you’re like this. You’re enslaved.” Not by you, he wrote immediately. I didn’t want to risk Mary waking up, so I grabbed the other pencil and shakily wrote back, It still feels wrong. It isn’t wrong. I want you, Adam. I want you to touch me. Please.

It was about him. I wanted him. I wanted to be closer to him.

I don’t think I can. It feels like I’d be taking advantage of you. Adam, Gloam scribbled immediately. I am telling you how I feel about you in the only way I can. Please don’t take that away from me by dismissing my words.

I didn’t care what he looked like. Despite my immediate attraction to him, looks had nothing to do with this. This was because I wanted him, Gloam. Desperately, with every part of me. With an intensity that was frightening, because I’d never felt that way about anyone.

You have to go, Adam. Please. I couldn’t lie—it hurt reading that just moments after what we’d done together. But I knew why he was saying it. He was worried for me. He was just trying to protect me. I don’t want to, I wrote back, scrambling for my discarded mask and shoving it on when my chin wavered. I didn’t want to leave him. I don’t want you to either, but you have to. I shook my head. What about you? I will be fine. I am not the one in immediate danger. You are. You must leave.

My eyes burned, but I ignored it. I’m going to free you, I wrote. I’ll go, but I promise you I will find Mary’s place and free you. I’ll find a way. His fingers twitched where they held the edge of the notebook, and I wondered if this would be something he couldn’t answer. But eventually he wrote, I don’t want you to put yourself in any danger for me. Go back to your camp, Adam. Be safe and happy there. I shook my head resolutely, pressing my lips together hard beneath my mask. I won’t be happy if I know you’re still like this. Not until you’re free. Why? My breath caught. I knew he didn’t mean to be callous, but after what had just happened, I couldn’t help but feel a sting from the question. Because you’re important to me. I want YOU to be happy. Gloam’s breath shuddered out of him, and his free hand stole cautiously onto my leg. I covered it with my own, wrapping my fingers around his palm and squeezing. You are important to me too, he wrote.

I’d left Gloam at dawn, shivering in the cold air, so many things I wanted to say to him crowding my tongue, but I was too scared to get any of them out. I’d hugged him, pressing my face into his hard chest, breathing in his scent as his huge arms held me gently. My eyes had been burning when I eventually pulled away after too long and fixed my mask over my mouth.

When I made it to the edge of the forest we’d previously skirted around, I huddled at the base of a tree and sat there shivering for too long, trying very hard not to cry. I didn’t even know why I was so upset. It wasn’t like I’d known Gloam all that long. But the thought of him, still stuck there with Mary, was devastating.

I kicked back without second thought, hearing Gloam’s low grunt from just behind me as my boot connected with his arm. My throat caught on a pathetic little whimper at the thought of hurting him.

“Please, Gloam.” My voice caught as I begged. “Don’t.” When there was just a foot of space between us and I had to crane my head back to stare at his cage, I saw his hulking body shudder. He dropped to his knees before me, making me jump out of my skin. I stiffened when his big hands grasped my sides.

He tipped his caged head forward until the metal edge pressed into my stomach through my shirt. I couldn’t move—immobilised by fear and confusion—and Gloam didn’t move either. He was shaking wildly, like the effort of disobeying Mary even for a few seconds was taxing his body greatly, and I realised what this was. What he was doing. He was asking for forgiveness. Because of what he had to do.

“It’s okay, Gloam.” I reached down to smooth my palms over his broad shoulders, feeling the thick cables under his skin. “I know it’s not your fault.”

He made a low noise deep in his chest, pained and hoarse, and gripped my sides tighter. His caged head moved slowly from side to side, its hard edge digging into my skin. “We’ll think of something,” I whispered, wishing I could palm the back of his head or cup his face. “We’ll be okay.”

You must join them when we get there, Gloam wrote, and my stomach churned with nausea as I read the words. I can’t. My handwriting was shaky. I can’t eat people. I can’t watch people get roasted alive. If you do not, YOU will be roasted alive, Adam. Gloam was trembling. You will be eaten. You will die. My panicked breaths whistled through my nose behind my mask, and my eyes prickled with heat. “I don’t want to die, Gloam,” I whispered out loud, my voice soft and wobbly with terror. “I’m scared.” Letting out a low sound of distress, he scribbled hurriedly. Join them. Please. At least you’ll be alive. I won’t A shaky breath echoed in his cage before he resumed writing with trembling fingers. I won’t be able to bear it if you are dead.

Forgive me. I scrambled up and launched myself into his lap, straddling his hips to get as close to him as possible. Gloam shuddered as his big arms wrapped around me. The chain connecting us rattled softly, trailing over the ground. “This isn’t your fault,” I croaked against the base of his neck. “None of this is your fault, Gloam. I’m the one who insisted on coming out here. Mary’s the one taking me to the Herald. I know you can’t stop it. I know you would if you could.”

Gloam gently tugged me back, and I could feel his eyes on my face in the low light from our lantern. He reached up and wiped the wetness away with a gentle thumb, then slowly unhooked my mask from behind my ear. It hung there from the other as we stared at each other. Then that thumb drifted down and brushed, achingly soft, over my mouth. My next breath shuddered out of me. “I wish I could kiss you.” My voice was hoarse with longing. “I wish I could see your face, just once. I’m so sorry I won’t get to free you, Gloam.”

Even though I knew it was pointless—that he wasn’t the one doing this—a small, weak part of me wanted to cling to his arm and beg him to stop this. Beg him to keep me safe, to not leave me here to die.

I’m sorry for failing you, Gloam. I’m sorry, Ghost, for being such a shitty friend. I’m sorry, mama, for being so stupid and getting kicked out of the city.

When I did, on shaky legs that could barely hold my weight, I saw Gloam’s body sagging with a mixture of relief and utter hopelessness. My eyes blurred. At least I’d gotten to see him one last time before he was gone forever, and I was stuck here worshipping this blank-faced monster.

My heart leapt into my throat, panic rising again, and I twisted to look over my shoulder at Gloam as I was led away. He was watching me back through the cage, his shoulders hunched and hands clenched into tight fists. Before I stepped out of sight, through a heavy curtain the follower held back, I saw his huge chest shudder with grief.

God. My poor Gloam. I couldn’t even imagine what he was feeling right now.

I could hear the gentle rush of a river up ahead, and by the time I snuck between two trees at the edge of a small clearing, Gloam was already standing beside it, the drum abandoned on the ground next to him. His head was bent low, and it looked like he was just staring into the water. Then his shoulders heaved with a great, shuddering sob that sounded raspy and rough within the cage. My vision got blurry in an instant.

“Gloam,” I croaked, stumbling toward him, already reaching out. He jumped out of his skin, an action that looked strange on his strong, steady frame. His caged head whipped toward me, and then he stilled in utter shock. I literally launched myself at him, wrapping all my limbs around his sturdy body and clinging on with every bit of strength I possessed. “Gloam,” I said again, unable to say anything else, my voice wobbly as I struggled to hold back tears. We’d been apart for less than a day, but it felt so much longer. I’d been convinced that I would never see him again, and now I was in his arms, and I could feel his big strong body trembling against mine.