The World's Worst Assistant

by Sona Movsesian

Don’t show them they’re getting to you. If you have an extra-dicky boss who actually enjoys being at the head of the centipede, don’t let them know they scare you. Because they shouldn’t. I used to be intimidated by a few people at work. It’s natural when you’re just starting out. But the best skill I ever learned at work was how to openly tell someone if they’re being rude to me. It’s okay to stand up for yourself and it’s okay to demand more from the people who you work for—you got the job because you’re qualified and they don’t want to spend the time training someone new, so chances are they’re not going to fire you just because you stand up for yourself.

Is it possible this advice will get you fired? Unfortunately, yes. In an industry where bosses feel entitled to terrorize those who work for them, some won’t take kindly to your refusal to eat shit. But is the mistreatment worth it? How much of your self-worth are you willing to give up in order to appease someone?

You can be the part of the centipede that breaks free. You can eat whatever you want and shit in a toilet. This analogy has run away from me, but what I’m trying to say is the mistreatment can end with you. This is a new generation of employees—all it takes is one person saying something bad about another person on Twitter, and that person can become a pariah. It’s scary and it’s beautiful. Let’s rip our mouths from the asses of those who wish to oppress us and rise up! Everyone knows the assistants run Hollywood and NYC media anyway. I, for one, love the change that’s happening right now—not just in the entertainment industry but in all different industries. People are beginning to realize they don’t have to be mistreated and get paid a small wage just to get ahead. We can live in a world where people treat others with respect and kindness and also get paid a livable wage. Harvey Weinstein is a monster and an abuser and now he’s going to prison. Bill O’Reilly screamed at people regularly and now he’s no longer on the air. It’s okay to be decent in a stressful business. If refusing to sew my mouth onto someone’s ass makes me the World’s Worst Assistant, then so be it.

But it was a relatively quiet job. There were long periods in the day when no one would come in, and it was up to us to keep ourselves occupied. There were only so many times you could Windex the display cases, so I started reading. One summer, I started reading Helter Skelter, which, by the way, is the worst book for anyone working in retail to read. Nothing says “Buy a watch” like seeing the customer service representative reading a book about mass murders committed by a drugged-out ’60s cult.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the Hollywood Bowl. In July, I got some friends tickets to see Röyksopp, Basement Jaxx, and Bossacucanova. From my distant perch at the merch shop, I could tell it was the loudest and most exciting concert I’d ever heard. I could see beams of colored lasers shooting out and smoke billowing beyond the very tall walls that were blocking my view of what was apparently the greatest concert of the season. I heard people squealing with pure joy, and everyone who went to the bathroom jogged out and back into the Bowl with the greatest look of happiness on their faces, like they had just witnessed an electronic music miracle that would only happen once in a lifetime. There’s nothing like sitting in a tiny store alone listening to 17,000 people having the time of their lives. To add insult to injury, one of our managers walked out, sweaty and out of breath with a giant smile beaming over his face, like he had just gone to the best rave of his life, and said, “It’s INSANE in there!” He then told me that for the first time in the years he had been working at the Hollywood Bowl, the residents in the houses nearby in the Hills were calling and complaining about the noise. To be so close yet so far to a concert like this was akin to torture for me. I couldn’t go through that again.

When I got back from Australia, however, I was completely over the idea of summer work. I needed my summer and I needed my freedom, but they had held my job for me and I couldn’t just quit now. And so I did what I thought was less of a terrible move and just stopped showing up after a couple weeks. I thought it would make me an awful person to quit flat out. What would I even say? It’s similar to when you’re dating someone and you don’t want to break up with them because it’s too hard and involves awkward confrontation, so you just start becoming a terrible partner hoping they’ll wise up and dump you. I wanted the Hollywood Bowl to dump me because I was too immature and dumb.

When Everything Clicked I loved being an NBC page. I got a firsthand glimpse into how television shows were developed. Since I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do, it was perfect for me. The only thing I didn’t like about it was the uniform. As a page, I wore nearly the exact same outfit Kenneth the Page wore on 30 Rock—a white button-down shirt, a blue polyester blazer, and a tie with a peacock print. The only difference was mine included an ill-fitting gray skirt with black tights. It was as bad as you’re imagining. I hated that uniform. For six weeks, I wore it to give tours. We trained for the tour by following other pages giving tours, and I have to admit that so much of the information I imparted when giving my own tours was incorrect or made up. Some of the lies were like jokes passed down through generations of pages. Others were my own original material.

Congratulations to C-SPAN for winning the bid to broadcast this event. They narrowly beat out HGTV 2, QVC South America, and the Hilton Hotel “How to Check Out” channel. But as I look out at all of the media here with us tonight, I realize this is all just one big high school cafeteria. Think about it: Fox is the jocks, MSNBC is the nerds, bloggers are the goths, NPR is the table for kids with peanut allergies, Al Jazeera is the weird foreign exchange student that nobody talks to. And print media, I didn’t forget you, you’re that poor kid who died sophomore year in a car crash. (But cheer up: we dedicated the yearbook to you.)

Having a brazen attitude to approach work like I do requires the knowledge that there will always be a safety net. I know there are so many people working now who don’t have the freedom to act whatever way they’d like because they have no other choices. I personally know so many people who are in jobs that beat them down because they have mortgages and children and responsibilities that won’t allow for them to act with a blatant disregard for authority. The courage I approached my career with was always rooted in the knowledge that I could always move back home, I could always ask the people I love for financial help, and I could always find a way to recover, because their support was always there if I ever needed it. There is legitimate power in knowing you’re not alone and I will never forget how lucky I am.