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“What do they feed it anyway?” Ascanio asked. “Bacon and strawberries.” There was an outraged silence behind me. “Bacon?” he managed finally. “Yep.” I moved forward another six inches. Easy does it. “Because that’s what it would catch in the wild, a boar, right? I can’t wait to see a pack of bunnycats take down a wild hog with those short tiny legs. Wouldn’t the boar be surprised?”
As soon as the engagement was announced, the Pack Clans converged and shot the idea of a quiet ceremony out of the water and then kept firing at it until it stopped convulsing and died.
I rode out of the stables on top of an eight-foot-tall donkey that looked like she had robbed a Holstein cow and was now wearing the stolen clothes. Robert gaped at me. Desandra made a weird face: her right eyebrow crept up, her left went down, and her mouth got stuck somewhere between surprise and the beginning of the word “what.” Derek’s mouth opened and didn’t close until we came to a halt next to him.
“What the hell is this?” Desandra asked. “This is Cuddles. She’s a mammoth donkey.” Derek grinned, leaning on the fence. “Do you have any self-respect left?” “Nope.” “I think she’s cute.” Desandra reached out. Cuddles promptly tried to bite her. Desandra jerked her hand away and bared her teeth.
“Where to now?” I asked. “Hold on,” Robert said. “I’m still . . . coming to terms with your mode of transportation.” “Take your time.” I nudged Cuddles, turning her to give him a better view. Cuddles flicked her ears, lifted her feet, and pranced. Oh dear God. Derek put his head down on the fence and made a moaning noise. Desandra chortled.
“Okay,” Robert said. “I think I’ve absorbed. I am ready for strategy planning now. Could you please stop prancing?” “She isn’t done.” It took another thirty seconds and a carrot to get Cuddles under control.
“Fortune favors the brave,” I told her. It also kills the stupid, but I decided to keep that fact to myself.
Desandra shrugged her shoulders. “Hey, Kate? Have you thought of walking up to Hugh and telling him that he’s got the biggest dick ever?” She spread her arms to the size of a baseball bat. “No, you think it would work?” I asked. “It’s worth a try. Maybe he’ll be so happy you noticed his pork sword, he’ll forget all about trying to kill us.” Pork sword. Kill me now. “I’ll think about it.” Ascanio began patting his clothes. “What?” Derek growled. “Looking for something to take notes with.”
“How did the French kill it?” Derek asked. “They sent a Christian virgin out, and she bound it with her hair and led it back into the city, where the citizens slaughtered it. We don’t have a virgin handy.” “No shit,” Desandra said. The central monster bared her teeth. They were thick, sharp, and crooked. “Quick, Derek, it’s your chance to shine,” Ascanio said. Derek gave him a withering look. “Desandra is a mother, Robert is married, Kate’s affianced, and I’m an old soul. You’re the closest thing to a virgin we’ve got. Get on with growing some flowing locks.”
“I take back what I said about the donkey,” Ascanio said. “She’s awesome.” I wished Curran could’ve seen this. He’d die laughing.
“I hide information from everyone. Do they think they’re special?”
The woman said something to Roman. He stopped, turned to her, and shook his staff. She crossed her arms. I couldn’t see her face, but I read the body language well enough. “I shake my magic stick at you!” “Let me tell you what you can do with your stick . . .”
“The concepts of right or wrong are always consequential. It can’t be situational or it’s not right or wrong.”
Did they tell you I rode a giant donkey?” He blinked. “You what?” “A giant black-and-white donkey. She was like twelve feet tall and bad tempered. I left her in the Keep’s stables. I’d rented her from
a livery stable, so we may have to buy her now, because of all the time that’s passed. Her name is Cuddles.” He struggled with it for a minute. “Sometimes hunger has strange side effects . . .” “No, I was there,” Robert said, his eyes still closed. “I’ve seen Cuddles. Long ears.” Curran’s eyes widened. “If we get out of here, I’d like to keep her,” I told him. “If you finish eating this food, I’ll get you a whole herd of giant donkeys.” “That’s the strangest bribe I’ve ever heard of,” Robert said. “I don’t want a herd. I just want one.”
“How did you find me?” “I found Nick first,” Curran said. Oh boy. “Please don’t tell me you opened up the crusader’s stomach to see if he had something stupid in him, too.”
