This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor

by Adam Kay

It’s five minutes until my shift ends and I need to get away on time to go out for dinner. Naturally, I’m asked to review a patient – she’s got a second-degree tear,74 and the midwife looking after her tells me she hasn’t been signed off to repair those yet.75 Me: ‘I haven’t been signed off to do them either.’ Midwife: ‘You don’t need to get signed off to do things – you’re a doctor.’ (Depressing but true.) Me: ‘Isn’t there another midwife who can do it?’ Midwife: ‘She’s on her break.’ Me: ‘I’m on my break.’ (Untrue.) Midwife: ‘You don’t get breaks.’ (Depressing but true.) Me: (pleading, in a tone of voice I’ve never managed before, like I’ve unlocked a secret level of my vocal cords) ‘But it’s my birthday.’ (Depressing but true.) Midwife: ‘It’s labour ward – it’s always someone’s birthday.’