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September 2 - September 24, 2023
Paradigms oF Interdependence There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity. SAMUEL JOHNSON
Before moving into the area of public victory, we should remember that effective interdependence can only be built on a foundation of true independence. Private Victory precedes Public Victory. Algebra comes before calculus.
Private Victory precedes Public Victory. Self-mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others.
Real self-respect comes from dominion over self, from true independence. And that’s the focus of Habits 1, 2, and 3. Independence is an achievement. Interdependence is a choice
An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship. It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.
If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve.
When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective.
cutting you off, overreacting, ignoring you, becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, or playing little tin god in your life, eventually my Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn.
If a large reserve of trust is not sustained by continuing deposits, a marriage will deteriorate. Instead of rich, spontaneous understanding and communication, the situation becomes one of accommodation, where two people simply attempt to live independent life-styles in a fairly respectful and tolerant way.
It’s hard not to get impatient. It takes character to be proactive, to focus on your Circle of Influence, to nurture growing things, and not to “pull up the flowers to see how the roots are coming.”
Let me suggest six major deposits that build the Emotional Bank Account. 1. Understanding the Individual Really seeking to understand another person is probably one of the most important deposits you can make,
You simply don’t know what constitutes a deposit to another person until you understand that individual.
Our tendency is to project out of our own autobiographies what we think other people want or need. We project our intentions on the behavior of others.
If they don’t interpret our effort as a deposit, our tendency is to take it as a rejection of our well intentioned effort and to give up.
2.- Attending to the Little Things
3.- Keeping Commitments
4.- Clarifying Expectations
The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals.
That’s why it’s so important whenever you come into a new situation to get all the expectations out on the table. People will begin to judge each other through those expectations.
5.- Showing Personal Integrity
Integrity is conforming reality to our words—in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations.
One of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to be loyal to those who are not present. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present. When you defend those who are absent, you retain the trust of those present.
It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one’s heart rather than out of pity.
People with little internal security can’t do it. It makes them too vulnerable. They feel it makes them appear soft and weak, and they fear that others will take advantage of their weakness.
6.- The Laws of Love and the Laws of Life
When we make deposits of unconditional love, when we live the primary laws of love, we encourage others to live the primary laws of life.
when we truly love others without condition, without strings, we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their ess...
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P PROBLEMS ARE PC OPPORTUNITIES This experience also taught me another powerful paradigm of interdependence. It deals with the way in which we see problems.
the very problem created the opportunity to build a deep relationship that empowered us to work together as a strong complementary team.
When a child comes to them with a problem, instead of thinking, “Oh, no! Not another problem!” their paradigm is, “Here is a great opportunity for me to really help my child and to invest in our relationship.”
By recognizing that the P/PC balance is necessary to effectiveness in an interdependent reality, we can value our problems as opportunities to increase PC.
With the paradigm of the Emotional Bank Account in mind, we’re ready to move into the habits of Public Victory, of success in working with other people.
It is impossible to achieve Public Victory with popular “Win/Win negotiation” techniques or “reflective listening” techniques or “creative problem-solving” techniques that focus on personality and truncate the vital character base.
Habit 4: Think Win/Win
We have committed the Golden Rule to memory; let us now commit it to life. EDWIN MARKHAM
Whether you are the president of a company or the janitor, the moment you step from independence into interdependence in any capacity, you step into a leadership role. You are in a position of influencing other people. And the habit of effective interpersonal leadership is Think Win/Win.
Win/Win Win/Win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions.
Win/Win sees life as a cooperative, not a competitive arena.
Win/Win is based on the paradigm that there is plenty for everybody, that one person’s success is not achieved at the expense or exclusion of the success of others.
Most of life is an interdependent, not an independent, reality. Most results you want depend on cooperation between you and others. And the Win/Lose mentality is dysfunctional to that cooperation.
Lose/Win is worse than Win/Lose because it has no standards—no demands, no expectations, no vision. People who think Lose/Win are usually quick to please or appease. They seek strength from popularity or acceptance.
But the problem is that Lose/Win people bury a lot of feelings. And unexpressed feelings never die: they’re buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways.
People who are constantly repressing, not transcending feelings toward a higher meaning find that it affects the quality of their self-esteem and eventually the quality of their relationships with others.
When two Win/Lose people get together—that is, when two determined, stubborn, ego-invested individuals interact—the result will be Lose/Lose.
blind to the fact that murder is suicide, that revenge is a two-edged sword.
When you have No Deal as an option in your mind, you feel liberated because you have no need to manipulate people, to push your own agenda, to drive for what you want. You can be open. You can really try to understand the deeper issues underlying the positions.
Anything less than Win/Win in an interdependent reality is a poor second best that will have impact in the long-term relationship. The cost of that impact needs to be carefully considered. If you can’t reach a true Win/Win, you’re very often better off to go for No Deal.
Win/Win or No Deal provides tremendous emotional freedom in the family relationship. If family members can’t agree on a video that everyone will enjoy, they can simply decide to do something else—No Deal—rather than having some enjoy the evening at the expense of others.
FIVE DIMENSIONS OF WIN/WIN Think Win/Win is the habit of interpersonal leadership. It involves the exercise of each of the unique human endowments—self-awareness, imagination, conscience, and independent will—in our relationships with others. It involves mutual learning, mutual influence, mutual benefits.
Character Character is the foundation of Win/Win, and everything else builds on that foundation. There are three character traits essential to the Win/Win paradigm.
