Monstrous Regiment (Discworld, #31; Industrial Revolution, #3)

by Terry Pratchett

“There’s a song,” he said. “It starts ‘’Twas on a Monday morning, all in the month of May—’” “Then it is about sex,” said Polly flatly. “It’s a folk song, it starts with ‘’twas,’ it takes place in May, QED, it’s about sex. Is a milkmaid involved? I bet she is.” “There could be,” Jackrum conceded. “Going for to market? For to sell her wares?” said Polly. “Very likely.” “O-kay. That gives us the cheese. And she meets, let’s see, a soldier, a sailor, a jolly ploughboy, or just possibly a man clothéd all in leather, I expect? No, since it’s about us, it’s a soldier, right? And since it’s one of the Ins-and-Outs . . . oh dear, I feel a humorous double-entendre coming on. Just one question: what item of her clothing fell down or came untied?” “Her garter,” said Jackrum. “You’ve heard it before, Perks!” “No, but I just know how folk songs go. We had folk singers in the lower bar for six months back hom—where I worked. In the end we had to get a man in with a ferret. But you remember stuff . . . oh, no . . .” “Was there canoodling, Sarge?” said Tonker, grinning. “Kayaking, I expect,” said Igorina, to general sniggering. “No, he stole the cheese, didn’t he?” sighed Polly. “As the poor girl was lying there, waiting for her garter to be tied, hem hem, he damn well made off with her cheese, right?” “Er . . . not damn. Not with the skirt on, Ozz,” Tonker warned. “Then it’s not Ozz, either,” said Polly. “Fill yer hat with bread, fill yer boots with soup! And steal the cheese, eh, Sarge?...