Happy-Go-Lucky

by David Sedaris

“You have a gun?” I asked, surprised, I suppose, because he’s gay.

The terrible shame about the pandemic in the United States is that more than nine hundred thousand people have died to date, and I didn’t get to choose a one of them.

“I guess I don’t think that people who read Bibles on planes are all that smart.”

“What do you think would happen if you had a screwdriver?” Amy asks. He thinks for a moment. “I’d probably get an erection!”

“If I had to go on display after my death, I’d at least demand that they position me facedown. Then there’d just be the back of my head to worry about.”