Happy-Go-Lucky

by David Sedaris

Stand up for what you believe in, as long as I believe in the same thing. Those of you who’d like to ban assault rifles, I am behind you 100 percent. Take to the front lines, give it your all, and don’t back down until you win. Do not, however, petition to have a Balthus painting removed from the Met because you can see the subject’s underpants. The goal is to have less in common with the Taliban, not more.

The rule is that you have to stay the night in a country in order to cross it off your list, so usually that’s our limit.

The room looked like it had been decorated by Donald Trump. Curtains the shade and texture of pantyhose hung in limp swags over the windows. Chairs were high-backed and velvet, some gold and others the same pea green as the wallpaper. There were garish chandeliers overhead and, at our feet, a mosaic-tiled floor.

“Americans think that bullfighting is savage and backward, but if you could do it with firearms we’d probably be all over it,” I said. “Can you imagine? The bull would be released and someone with a sawed-off shotgun would blow its front legs off.”

Saul Bellow wrote, “Losing a parent is something like driving through a plate-glass window. You didn’t know it was there until it shattered, and then for years to come you’re picking up the pieces.”