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Apparently, the cure to toxic masculinity is to show them how it feels to be talked about like a piece of meat. You’re welcome, ladies.
“I’m not that drunk.” I am that drunk.
Anton takes two steps back. “Wait, you think I’m straight?” I blink. Then blink again. How drunk am I? Did I hear him right, or is my mind playing tricks on me? “Y-you’re not? How did I not know this, and why haven’t we had sex yet if that’s the case?”
I take it back. The third worst thing is being cornered by Philly fans. Second worst thing is being saved by someone I hate. But the worst thing by far is realizing that for years I’ve thought the tension between Anton and me came from a place of resentment. It turns out it’s because I want to fuck Anton Hayes. I did not see that coming.
Entitled, eccentric, and egotistical. The three Es that make Ezra who he is.
I don’t want to come out to the world and be reduced to Anton Hayes, gay hockey player. And when I look at Ezra, that’s all I see. He’s perpetuating the image I want to avoid. It’s infuriating. And a little intimidating.
Sure, Ezra and I will get along. The day he gets a personality transplant.
My alarm goes off at dark o’clock so I can get my ass to the fucking animal shelter to do this charity shit because fucking Anton Hayes is a fucking fuck fuck asshole fuck.
“Just when I think you might actually be a decent human being underneath all your shit, you come out with … that.” “Hey, I can be a decent human being and be full of shit at the same time, thank you very much. It’s called multitasking.”
“You skated well today.” The words taste like chalk in my mouth. Complimenting Ezra goes against every natural instinct I have. He glances over at me. “Is this you lulling me into a false sense of security before you stab me with a skate?” “Come on, Ez …” I slap him on the back. “Our skates are nowhere near sharp enough to make it through your thick skull.”
“That better not show up on any puck bunny websites,” he warns. “Unlike some people, I actually like getting pussy, thank you very much.” “Don’t worry. It’s for a special someone.” “Eww. Are you going to jerk off to a photo of me? I love you like a brother, dude, but I don’t want you plundering my booty.”
“I’ll make this easy for you. Either help us, or Moreau and I are coming to your room and tonight you’ll be spooning two guys.” He groans. “Why do I keep being punished?”
Watching Ezra with Todd, it’s clear that when Todd looks at him, he doesn’t see a hockey player. He sees someone he can look up to, who proves he can do anything, time and again, and his sexuality isn’t a factor in that. He inspires people. I want to do that too. I want to give kids inspiration, to echo the message that queer players are in the league and kicking ass. I want to be a role model, and I can’t do that if I’m scared.
“Is it true? Have all my dreams come true?” “Your nightmares maybe. You’ve lost me as a roommate. I know how devastating that is for you, but if you really miss me, I can sneak into your room and spoon you again if you like.” “Fuck off, Ez.” He laughs. “Rooming with the rookie has to be ten times better than rooming with you.” “Good luck,” Anton says behind us. “Moreau snores.” “It’s true,” Diedrich adds. “My kids are scared of him after he stayed with us a few weeks. They think when he sleeps, he turns into a monster.”
People. Relationships. Love. I don’t want any of it. Except when he leans over and presses a kiss to the top of my head, I’m starting to suspect that I really, really do.
“You’re trying to get me jealous.” “You look so sexy when you’re trying not to deck someone.” “Why do I always need to remind you who you belong to?”
“You are not a terrible person.” “Because I’m an aweso—” “Nope.” He pinches my chin and leans in, dark eyes locked with mine. “No joking. You are an awesome person, Ez. And while we do this thing, you’re also my person. If anyone says that shit to you, they get to face both of us.”
His pouty face is pouty. I poke his cheek. “Are you sulking?” “She thought you were hot.” “And?” “And? You’re mine.”
“You’re not a fuckboy, but you act like one because deep down you don’t want to feel the rejection your parents inflicted on you your whole life. You treat people as disposable so they can’t do it to you first.”
“Thank you.” “For?” “Caring about whether I was worried or not. But I’m not. At all. I think I’ve caught an illness where you’re concerned, and it’s affecting my decision-making abilities.” I have a lump in my throat as I ask, “I’m guessing you don’t mean chlamydia?” Anton drops his forehead to mine. “I trust you, Ez.”
I told myself I wouldn’t fall for him. I lied.
“In an official relationship for thirty seconds and the sex stops. I knew it would happen, but I don’t think it’s supposed to happen this fast.”
“Nuh-uh. I’m not packing your bags this time.” “I’d do it for you,” he grumbles. “And yet, you never have.”
“I think the only blowback I’ll get is accusations of being taken over by some body-snatching-type thing. Ezra Palaszczuk in a …” I gag. “Relationship? Gay men around the country will be crying.” “In sympathy for me?”
“Careful. You’re dangerously close to being too perfect, and I don’t think I can compete with that.” “Don’t worry. There was never any competition anyway.”
“Fine.” His voice drops so it’s raw and husky. “I love you.” “You know I love you too, right?” “Actually, I do. And I’ve never said that before, because it’s not something I feel lightly, and I never let myself be vulnerable around people. But I let you see all that, and it doesn’t make me embarrassed. You don’t make me feel like I need to hide that side of me or be someone else. You and me, Anton, we don’t need to justify this for anyone else, because we know what it is.” “Oh yeah? And what’s that?” There’s no hesitation as he answers me with one perfect word. “Forever.”
I have realized that I’m worth more than that. People always make a big deal about not turning your back on family. You respect your elders, and cutting people out of your life is wrong, but putting up with toxic relationships because you share DNA with someone is way too stressful, and I don’t know why people do it. I can’t believe I did it for so long. I’m worthy of healthy relationships. It is possible to love me.
