When I lay down to try to do a body scan, I could no longer focus on the air on my palms because the throbbing in other parts of my body was so loud. I tried guided meditations designed for pain, but even these did not help. Focusing on my body, focusing on the way it felt, just brought up waves of dread, betrayal, and anger. Dread at the inflammation coursing through my body, bringing fears of my imminent death, of becoming another ACE statistic. Betrayal at a body that had never felt quite mine and that I now wanted to dissociate from more than ever before. And anger—because it was as if my
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