The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward

by Daniel H. Pink

Nearly all regrets fall into four core categories—foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets, and connection regrets.

roughly 95 percent of the regrets that people express involve situations they controlled rather than external circumstances.

She’s the cause of her own suffering. That makes regret different—and far more distressing—than a negative emotion like disappointment.

2016 study that tracked the choices and behavior of more than a hundred Swedes found that participants ended up regretting about 30 percent of the decisions they’d made during the previous week.

wow. seems high to me

At Leasts deliver comfort and consolation.

If Onlys deliver discomfort and distress.

“escalation of commitment to a failing course of action.”

regret, handled correctly, offers three broad benefits. It can sharpen our decision-making skills. It can elevate our performance on a range of tasks. And it can strengthen our sense of meaning and connectedness.

central findings on regret: it can deepen persistence, which almost always elevates performance.

stress, we now know, is not a single, unmalleable entity. Much of how it affects us, even what it fundamentally is, depends on our individual mindset.[28]

If we think of stress as permanent and debilitating, that tugs us in one direction. If we think of it as temporary and enhancing, that leads us in a different direction. Chronic, omnipresent stress is poisonous. But occasional, acute stress is helpful, even essential.

framing regret as an opportunity rather than a threat helps us transform it—so that it operates as a sharp stick rather than a leaden blanket. Regrets that hurt deeply but dissolve quickly lead to more effective problem solving and sturdier emotional health.[30] When regret smothers, it can weigh us down. But when it pokes, it can lift us up.

All regrets aggravate. Productive regrets aggravate, then activate.

Foundation regrets begin with an irresistible lure and end with an inexorable logic.

Many individual health, education, or financial missteps are not themselves immediately devastating. But the slowly building force of all those poor decisions can arrive like a tornado—gradually and then suddenly. By the time we realize what’s happening, there’s not much we can do.

Foundation regrets were evenly spread across geography and gender. But they were slightly more prevalent among older respondents, because weaknesses in one’s foundation take time to develop and recognize.

Chinese proverb: The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second-best time is today.

When people, especially Westerners, try to explain someone’s behavior, we too often attribute the behavior to the person’s personality and disposition rather than to the person’s situation and context.

While the connection regrets that people reported in the surveys numbered well into the thousands, the specific ways their relationships ended numbered only two: rifts and drifts.

“My biggest regrets stem from not being more assertive at various life points about my needs and wishes—education, relationships, vacation plans, right down to the food that winds up in my house.” Male, 51, New Jersey

people regret their failures to live up to their ideal selves more than their failures to live up to their ought selves. Regrets of “coulda” outnumbered regrets of “shoulda” by about three to one.

Failures to become our ideal selves are failures to pursue opportunities. Failures to become our ought selves are failures to fulfill obligations.

“our species may have an intrinsic drive to disclose thoughts to others.”

self-esteem can foster narcissism, diminish empathy, and stoke aggression. Criminals, for instance, have higher self-esteem than the general population.

Some people find illeism annoying (although it doesn’t bother Daniel Pink).

Hahaha wish he made more jokes!

focus less on

A few years ago, I compiled a failure résumé, then tried to glean lessons from the many screwups I’d committed. (Disclosing these embarrassments to myself will be sufficient, thank you very much.) I realized I’d repeatedly made variations of the same two mistakes, and that knowledge has helped me avoid those mistakes again.

we’re pretty bad at predicting the intensity and duration of our emotions.[23] And we’re particularly inept at predicting regret. We often overestimate how negative we’ll feel and underestimate our capacity to cope or balm our feelings with At Leasts.

We’re like bumbling meteorologists who keep (mis)predicting rain. As a result, the researchers say, “decision makers who pay to avoid future regrets may be buying emotional insurance that they do not actually need.”

not being as bold as my privilege allows and my heart desires.