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January 2 - January 3, 2023
The lesson of closed doors is to do better next time. The lesson of open doors is to do something now.
Higgins argued that we all have an “actual self,” an “ideal self,” and an “ought self.” Our actual self is the bundle of attributes that we currently possess. Our ideal self is the self we believe we could be—our hopes, wishes, and dreams. And our ought self is the self we believe we should be—our duties, commitments, and responsibilities.[1]
when we don’t make these efforts, when a discrepancy persists between who we are and who we could or should be, unpleasant feelings flood the gap.
people regret their failures to live up to their ideal selves more than their failures to live up to their ought selves.
Failures to become our ideal selves are failures to pursue opportunities. Failures to become our ought selves are failures to fulfill obligations. All four of the core regrets involve opportunity, obligation, or both.
boldness regrets—If only I’d taken that risk—are entirely about opportunities we didn’t seize.[3] Foundation regrets—If only I’d done the work—are also largely about opportunities (for education, health, financial well-being) that we didn’t pursue. Connection regrets—If only I’d reached out—are a mix. They involve opportunities for friendship we didn’t follow through on, as well as obligations to family members and others that we neglected. Moral regrets—If only I’d done the right thing—are about obligations we didn’t meet.
“Regrets of inaction last longer than regrets of action in part because they reflect greater perceived opportunity.”
What’s more, many inaction regrets are inherently difficult to undo. If in my twenties I regret not studying hard enough in high school, I can’t reenroll in eleventh grade. My only option is to focus on the future.
At Leasts don’t alter our behavior or boost our performance in the future, but they do help us reassess the present.
Finding a silver lining doesn’t negate the existence of a cloud. But it does offer another perspective on that cloud.
At Leasts can turn regret into relief.
If we look backward with the specific intent of moving forward, we can convert our regrets into fuel for progress. They can propel us toward smarter choices, higher performance, and greater meaning. And science shows us how.
we can disclose the regret, reframe the way we view it and ourselves, and extract a lesson from the experience to remake our subsequent decisions.
self-disclosure is intrinsically rewarding.”[3]
enormous body of literature makes clear that disclosing our thoughts, feelings, and actions—by telling others or simply by writing about them—brings an array of physical, mental, and professional benefits. Such self-revelation is linked to reduced blood pressure, higher grades, better coping skills, and more.[4]
But unless carefully managed and contained, self-criticism can become a form of inner-directed virtue signaling. It projects toughness and ambition, but often leads to rumination and hopelessness instead of productive action.[12]
efforts to boost self-esteem can lift performance and lessen depression and anxiety.
Self-compassion emerged in part from Neff’s recognition that when we stumble or fail, we treat ourselves more harshly than we would ever treat friends, family, or even strangers in the same predicament.
Self-compassion begins by replacing searing judgment with basic kindness. It doesn’t ignore our screwups or neglect our weaknesses. It simply recognizes that “being imperfect, making mistakes, and encountering life difficulties is part of the shared human experience.”[15]
Talking about ourselves in the third person is one variety of what social psychologists call “self-distancing.”
when people step back and assess their own situation the way they’d evaluate other people’s situations, they close this perceptual gap.
Mentally visiting the future—and then examining the regret retrospectively—activates a similar type of detached, big-picture perspective as the fly-on-the-wall technique.
CEO Andy Grove, who reportedly would ask himself, “If I were replaced tomorrow, what would my successor do?”
The sequence of self-disclosure, self-compassion, and self-distancing offers a simple yet systematic way to transform
Don’t just relish the goal you’ve achieved. Review the steps that got you there. Spend less time celebrating the destination and more time contemplating the journey.
Regret lotteries have been effective in changing behavior in many domains.[3] They exploit a cognitive quirk similar to “loss aversion.”
“pre-mortems.” In this management technique, work teams mentally travel to the future before a project even begins to imagine a nightmare scenario where everything went wrong—say,
One problem with using anticipated regrets as a decision-making tool is that we’re pretty bad at predicting the intensity and duration of our emotions.[23]
to bypass that unpleasant sensation, the buyers played it safe. They became less concerned with making the smarter choice and tried to make the less regrettable choice—and those aren’t always the same.
minimizing regret is not the same as minimizing risk. And if we don’t anticipate properly, we end up making the regret-minimizing choice rather than the risk-minimizing choice.
Regret aversion can often lead to decision aversion, many studies have shown.[28] If we focus too much on what we’ll regret, we can freeze and decide not to decide.
The maximizers reported “significantly less life satisfaction, happiness, [and] optimism” and significantly more depression than the satisficers.[34]
The Regret Optimization Framework holds that we should devote time and effort to anticipate the four core regrets: foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets, and connection regrets.
If the decision does involve one of the big four, spend more time deliberating. Project yourself into the future—five years, ten years, at age eighty, whatever makes sense. From that future vantage point, ask yourself which choice will help you build your foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or maintain a meaningful connection. Anticipate these regrets. Then choose the option that most reduces them.
