The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward

by Daniel H. Pink

Subversion

Desecration

Regrets about violating sanctity were more numerous than regrets about subverting authority. These regrets were also emotionally intense—especially when they centered on one of the most fiercely contested issues of the last sixty years: abortion.

More than a hundred years ago, the French sociologist Émile Durkheim wrote that the defining feature of religious thought—and, I’d argue, many other belief systems—is “the division of the world into two domains, one containing all that is sacred and the other all that is profane.”[10] We don’t always agree on the boundaries between those domains. But when we forsake what we believe is sacred for what we believe is profane, regret is the consequence.

Connection regrets are the largest category in the deep structure of human regret. They arise from relationships that have come undone or that remain incomplete.

All deep structure regrets reveal a need and yield a lesson. With connection regrets, the human need is love. Not love only in the romantic sense—but a broader version of love that includes attachment, devotion, and community and that encompasses parents, children, siblings, and friends. The lesson of closed doors is to do better next time. The lesson of open doors is to do something now. If a relationship you care about has come undone, place the call. Make that visit. Say what you feel. Push past the awkwardness and reach out.

We seek a measure of stability—a reasonably sturdy foundation of material, physical, and mental well-being. We hope to use some of our limited time to explore and grow—by pursuing novelty and being bold. We aspire to do the right thing—to be, and to be seen as, good people who honor our moral commitments. We yearn to connect with others—to forge friendships and family relationships bonded by love. A solid foundation. A little boldness. Basic morality. Meaningful connections. The negative emotion of regret reveals the positive path for living.

This analysis offers another window into the deep structure of regret. Failures to become our ideal selves are failures to pursue opportunities. Failures to become our ought selves are failures to fulfill obligations. All four of the core regrets involve opportunity, obligation, or both.

Finding a silver lining doesn’t negate the existence of a cloud. But it does offer another perspective on that cloud.