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September 17 - September 30, 2022
Regret makes us human. Regret makes us better.
Ample research shows that people who accept, rather than judge, their negative experiences end up faring better.[29]
When feeling is for thinking, and thinking is for doing, regret is for making us better.
I wish I’d married Jake instead of Edward”),
The outcome remained intriguing, but unsatisfying.
category. People do indeed regret a lot of stuff—family relationships, romantic choices, career moves, educational paths, and more. Maybe that shouldn’t surprise us. After all, regret is universal. It’s a fundamental part of being human. Human life spreads across multiple domains—we’re parents, sons, daughters, spouses, partners, employees, bosses, students, spenders, investors, citizens, friends, and more. Why wouldn’t regret straddle domains, too? What’s
more, regret makes us better. It sharpens decisions, boosts performance, and deepens meaning. Why would its benefits not reach across life domains?
Foundation regrets arise from our failures of foresight and conscientiousness.
The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second-best time is today.
“Not being true to myself.”
Instead, when we consider what’s moral, we have an instantaneous, visceral, emotional response about right or wrong—and then we use reason to justify that intuition.[2]
Higgins argued that we all have an “actual self,” an “ideal self,” and an “ought self.”
Our actual self is the bundle of attributes that we currently possess. Our ideal self is the self we believe we could be—our hopes, wishes, and dreams. And our ought self is the self we believe we should
Discrepancies between our actual self and our ideal self leave us dejected. But discrepancies between our actual self and our ought self make us agitated—and therefore more likely to act.
“Couldas” bug us longer than “shouldas,” because we end up fixing many of the “shouldas.”[*]
For example, boldness regrets—If only I’d taken that risk—are entirely about opportunities we didn’t seize.[3] Foundation regrets—If only I’d done the work—are also largely about opportunities (for education, health, financial well-being) that we didn’t pursue. Connection regrets—If only I’d reached out—are a mix. They involve opportunities for friendship we didn’t follow through on, as well as obligations to family members and others that we neglected.
Moral regrets—If only I’d done the right thing—are about obligations we didn’t meet.
A life of obligation and no opportunity is crimped. A life of opportunity and no obligation is hollow. A life that fuses opportunity and obligation is true.
We’re more apt to repair what we did than what we didn’t do.
At Leasts don’t alter our behavior or boost our performance in the future, but they do help us reassess the present.
At Leasts can turn regret into relief.
we can remember that feeling is for thinking and that thinking is for doing.
By normalizing negative experiences, we neutralize them.
self-compassion is associated with increased optimism, happiness, curiosity, and wisdom;[17] enhanced personal
Imagine it is ten years from now and you’re looking back with pride on how you responded to this regret. What did you do?
Looking backward can move us forward, but only if
we do it right. The sequence of self-disclosure, self-compassion, and self-distancing offers a simple yet systematic way to transform regret into a powerful force for stability, achievement, and purpose.
I’ve been reading social science research and attempting to make sense of it for twenty years now, but few subjects have spoken to me as powerfully as the research on self-compassion. Understanding self-compassion helped me curb excessive self-criticism
Achieving our goals can insulate us from regret. But if we don’t sustain our behavior after reaching those goals—by continuing to exercise regularly or by maintaining the good work habits that led to the completion of a project—regret quickly finds its way into our minds. One antidote to this problem comes from the work of Stanford University professors Szu-chi Huang and Jennifer Aaker, who
a “journey mindset.” Huang and Aaker have found that when we reach a destination—when we’ve completed a difficult and important task—we sometimes slack off and assume our work is done. But it’s usually not. Don’t just relish the goal you’ve achieved. Review the steps that got you there. Spend less time celebrating the destination and more time contemplating the journey.
The Regret Optimization Framework holds that we should devote time and effort to anticipate the four core regrets: foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets, and connection regrets.
If not, satisfice. For example, if you’re buying lawn furniture or a(nother) microwave oven, that decision is unlikely to involve any fundamental, enduring human need. Make a choice and move on. You’ll be fine.
If the decision does involve one of the big four, spend more time deliberating. Project yourself into the future—five years, ten years, at age eighty, whatever makes sense. From that future vantage point, ask yourself which choice will help you build your foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or maintain a meaningful connection. Anticipate these regrets. Then choose the option that most reduces them. Use this framework a few times, and you will begin to see its power.
Undo it. Apologize, make amends, or try to repair the damage. At Least It. Find the silver lining: think about how the situation could have turned out worse and appreciate that it didn’t. For Any Regret (Action or Inaction) Self-disclosure. Relive and relieve the regret by telling others about it—admission clears the air—or by writing about it privately.
Self-compassion. Normalize and neutralize the regret by treating yourself the way you’d treat a friend. Self-distancing. Analyze and strategize about the lessons you’ve learned from the regret by zooming out in time, in space, or through language. To Use Anticipated Regrets in Your Decision Making: Satisfice on most decisions. If you are not dealing with one of the four core regrets, make a choice, don’t second-guess yourself, and move on.
Maximize on the most crucial decisions. If you are dealing with one of the four core regrets, project yourself to a specific point in the future and ask yourself which choice will most help you build a solid foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or connect with others.
