The Secret to Happy: How to build resilience, banish self-doubt and live the life you deserve

by Vicky Pattison

Progress, not perfection, ladies.

Jump in a bubble bath with a good book or glossy magazine – the escapism offered when you read other people’s stories, fiction or non-fiction, can help you forget about your current woes, give you some perspective, or offer a new way of looking at a problem.

Lastly, and this is the most important one . . . DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT AS LONG AS IT BRINGS YOU PEACE.

She said that you could be the best peach, the sweetest peach, the ripest peach on the tree; you could be fluffy, and plump, and juicy, and everyone will want to eat you because you are the best peach in the whole wide world. But then someone will come along who just doesn’t like peaches. And there is nothing anyone can do about that! I’ve repeated that analogy countless times to people, and I have to remind myself of it all the time. Because you can be the nicest person, with the warmest disposition. You could be a hugely talented Oscar-winning actress, or an Olympic swimmer. You could do lots of things for charity and your community. You could be a good friend, partner or daughter. And you can try every day to uplift the people you interact with – be all the good things . . . and someone will still come along who doesn’t like peaches. And your job, when this happens, is to remember you can’t please all the people all the time.

Remember there is nothing wrong with taking a step back for a day, or taking a real break, for a week or a month – because your social media interaction should not define you. And remember, you can have millions of followers on social media, and still feel lonely.

hitting rock bottom will teach you things that the mountaintops never will.

A heart filled with hate and anger is heavy – so forgive and forget those who have hurt you and move forward with your life with hope and peace.

There is no personal checklist with a bunch of boxes that all have to be ticked off by a certain age. Women are especially guilty of putting this unnecessary pressure on ourselves, and it only leads to stress and heartache.

We need to stop assuming that the only way a woman could possibly be happy is if she has a husband by the time she’s thirty and a tribe of tiny love terrorists hanging from her tits. Okay?

I worried it would be too late, but of course it doesn’t have to be. That was just the irrational fear of a woman who’s been conditioned to think she needs to have her life all neatly wrapped up in a bow and sorted by the time she’s thirty.

I want women to talk about the pressure we feel to be mothers, and the timeline other people hold us to, how we’re often conditioned to think getting married and becoming a mother should all happen before you turn thirty.

I’ve given up making myself feel bad because I don’t have it all figured out – and you need to be done with that too. It’s the twenty-first century. We’re allowed to want different things. We’re allowed to give people grace when they make different decisions to you. I think we need to understand that everyone is different. What works for them might not work for you. Variety makes life more interesting.

I’d love to debunk the myth that you have to do less as you age; there is no age limit on ambition. I remember reading that Alan Rickman didn’t get his first role in a film until he was forty-one. There are so many people out there thinking, I’d love to be a travel agent but I’m scared to retrain, or I’d love to go back to college now my kids are a bit older but I probably wouldn’t get a place, or thinking – knowing – they are in the wrong job but deciding, I’m here now, I better not rock the boat. Bollocks! It’s never too late to change your career, go back to school, kick up your heels and decide you want to move to another country and marry a matador.

Your dreams have no expiry date. Push your boundaries, get out of your comfort zone, do something scary, be brave – because a split second of courage has the power to change your whole life. No regrets, remember.

In order to learn, grow and become a better version of yourself you have to make mistakes. Making mistakes is part of the process of growing as a human being. We need to acknowledge this, accept it and normalise it.

Learning to love yourself isn’t easy, in fact I’d go as far as to say that the journey to self-love and self-acceptance is one of the hardest and longest out there and none of us have everything all figured out.

Everyone’s version of happiness looks different, and that’s okay. It’s drilled into us as women that we can only be happy if we have a husband and children but, as I’ve said many times in this book, that is not everyone’s idea of happiness. Whether you want to travel the world with your girlfriend, settle down in your hometown with your first love, excel in your professional life and have a shit load of cats, or if you want to have it all – the job, the house, the husband, the cats and the kids – go for it and own it. Take no notice of what other people are doing. Comparison truly is the thief of joy.

I really don’t want your ice cream to melt while you’re busy counting other people’s sprinkles.