How to Sell a Haunted House

by Grady Hendrix

Put real puppets in a church and they’d burn it down. Puppets unleash anarchy.

Puppets are about violence.

They don’t do life lessons, they don’t do love.”

“I’m not surprised that your home is infested with demonic forces,” she said. “Your mother’s puppet ministry trivialized the church. When you move off the path of righteousness you risk being co-opted by the Enemy.”

“I’m not sure if puppets and dolls are the same, theologically speaking, but eBay is rife with them. Barb’s calling is to keep them out of innocent hands. On long weekends and federal holidays we spiritually deactivate them.”

Millennials think they can’t catch a break in an over-crowded housing market? That’s nothing compared to how the living can’t catch a break in a housing market oozing with overly-entitled supernatural entities who have as little respect for contract law as they do for the boundary between life and death.

Ghosts have been a pain in everyone’s butt since the dawn of time, however ancient ghosts mostly seemed to confine themselves to drinking blood and uttering prophecies. Back in those days, ghosts understood the value of hard work, and occasionally acted as bath attendants, carried heavy loads of beans, and formed armies to help one Duke protect his kingdom from another Duke who didn’t pray as much as the first Duke.

Marasco realized that the real question for most people confronted with a haunted house is not “Does this mean the soul survives bodily death?” but “Can I get my deposit back?”

Ultimately, the story of ghosts and real estate arrives at the same terminal ending you find in all tales of capitalism run amuck: it’s a class issue.