Dear Evan Hansen

by Val Emmich

The gift comes with responsibility, too.

“Important,” she says, trembling, “because I know what it’s like to feel invisible. Just like Connor. Invisible and alone and

like nobody would even notice if I vanished into thin air. I bet you used to know what that felt like, too.”

practically had to beg Jared to be my friend, and now he tries to stand here and threaten me and pretend like his feelings are hurt? He’s even more manipulative than I thought. “You

I’m not that person anymore. And I don’t want to go back. I drop the bottle and shut the drawer.

I’m willing to endure the agony to keep her.

TOXIC

I can never escape the lies. If only I could find a way to explain it all.

sink to the ground. The weight of everything, the whole world, closes in on me. There’s nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide. The ground below rumbles. Perfect timing for an earthquake. I deserve to be swallowed by the earth.

only wanted to help them. This was my refuge. Improbable, but true. A place where I could come and feel safe and accepted and wanted. Now it’s crumbling before my eyes.

Engulfed in anguish and anxiety and unrest. It has become me.

A web of lies, weaved bit by bit, now tangled around me. Because the truth hurt too much.

The crossfire of regret, helplessness, hopelessness, hatred, on and on and on. A tsunami of self-torment.

But he’s still not free. Still has himself to deal with. Always the hardest one to face.

there’s only war inside, a raging battle with no end in sight. And fine. I know I deserve every harrowing minute of it.

How disgusting and pathetic to want something so badly, so desperately, that I could be willing to do the most heinous things. I am broken. A defective piece that has no match and can never fit into the whole. I tried to pass as something more, but now they see me for what I am. What I’ve always been.

I looked up once more, at the whole world; it was beautiful, I knew it was, but I wasn’t a part of it. I was never going to be a part of it. In that moment—it was quick—I just loosened my grip, unlocked my legs, and… I woke up on the ground.

I couldn’t even tell myself.

It’s taken me the longest time to find my way back to the truth.

My mom could leave if she wanted. Maybe I forget that sometimes.

Evan at lunch. Then later with his letter. I felt swallowed by the swarm. Surrounded by all these people and somehow lonelier than ever. None of them saw me or knew me. The only one who ever did I’d pushed away.

It’s no one’s fault. And it’s everyone’s.

Because today, no matter what else, you’re you. No hiding. No lying. Just you. And that’s enough.

It reminds me of that saying: “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” I guess that means we’re just products of whoever made us and we don’t have much control. The thing is,

when people use that phrase, they ignore the most critical part: the falling. Within the logic of that saying, the apple falls every single time. Not falling isn’t an option. So, if the apple has to fall, the most important question in my mind is what happens to it upon hitting the ground? Does it touch down with barely a scratch? Or does it smash on impact? Two vastly different fates. When you think about it, who cares about its proximity to the tree or what type of tree spawned it? What really makes all the difference, then, is how we land.

Wtf does that mean?

“If I knew he was… I just… I didn’t know.” He struggled to put the words together. “I keep thinking, if I’d been able to talk to him…”

She had a whole school year that I never witnessed. In a way, it was easier not having to see what I was missing.

Some days, when my self-hatred overwhelms everything, I regret that the truth never came out.