Dear Evan Hansen

by Val Emmich

I know I’m supposed to share my feelings with Dr. Sherman, and make my mom happy, but they don’t want my actual feelings. They just want me to be okay, or at least say that I am.

“Now we can both pretend we have friends.”

“He took his own life,” Mr. Murphy says.

I reached out to the only person I thought might help. And then, when that didn’t work…

But I had to be patient. If I was, she would listen. She would hear me. I would be heard.

And for years, that’s been our story. But it demands a correction. She made a mistake. And so did I.

If she sits next to me in this small booth, I may have to begin emancipation procedures.

“My mom always says, it’s better to be rich than poor.” “Well, your mom’s probably never been rich, then.” “And you’ve probably never been poor.”

I wish someone could do the same for me.

“Well, it would be a student group dedicated to keeping Connor’s memory alive and showing that he… mattered. That everyone matters.”

I never end up drowning, but it doesn’t matter. The feeling of almost drowning is even worse than actually drowning. Actually drowning is peace. Almost drowning is pure pain.

The water came for Connor, too. He must have fought for air until he just didn’t feel like fighting anymore. If I can understand anything, I can certainly understand that.

“That’s what happens when people leave, I think. When they’re gone, you don’t have to be reminded of all the bad things. They can just stay the way you want them forever. Perfect.”

But how the hell do they know how I felt? I had to die for them to notice I was ever alive.

I love it when she says my name. She sits patiently, waiting for me to trust her. I feel like I can.

I wish my dad kept track of my life without me having to always be the one to tell him about it.

Well, I might be doing another one next weekend.” “You might be?” “Yeah, I might be.” “Well, I might want to be there.” “I might like that.”

The me I am is not the me I was. Just like the me I am is not the me I will be.

“Connor, he was just… I’ve never met someone like that. That innocent. That pure. Sometimes I think maybe he was too pure… for all this.”