Please Love Me at My Worst

by Michaela Angemeer

i just want to be loved i just want to be loved i just want to be loved i just want to be loved without condition

when they say they’re not trying to make you feel guilty it’s for their sake, not yours

i have always been a little bit weird a little too fat a target for bullies and you can’t play with us have you ever overheard your best friend call you just a school friend or been told you can’t play a game cause you’re too big so instead of talking to friends you talk to yourself and your stuffed animals write on whatever you can find dance in your room sing karaoke make magic by yourself poor sweet baby you that little girl just wanted to be included to feel loved to be a part of something she may not have belonged, but she belongs to me

to my inner child— i am sorry you never learned how the words i love you were supposed to feel i am sorry you were ignored i am sorry you were never told you are enough

i am still in love with everyone i’ve ever been in love with

baby, i fall so easily you don’t even have to try with me i trip over words like beautiful and amazing any kind of kindness makes my knees weak for at least a week i could slip over prolonged eye contact or a nice smile baby, you’ve got to know you have me but i am yours to lose

why was i born with the feeling unworthy gene like my blessings are undeserved like my accomplishments are accidents why can’t i just feel good about the good things not ruin them with heart beating faster my own anxious drum pounding erratically does anyone want to trade brains i’d like a quieter one does anyone want to trade me for sad i’d like happy instead

i’m sorry my legs are prickly my toenails yellowed nails thin and short i’m sorry there’s a reoccurring pimple under my right nostril and two bright red beacons lining my jaw i’m sorry there’s a bug bite on my heel my lips are chapped and skin is dry i’m sorry to no one i’m sorry to everyone but most of all i’m sorry to me for constantly cataloging my imperfections

you are the only person who can put yourself first therapy lessons part III

hello, i think some girls are pretty, but doesn’t everyone? hello, i can’t stop thinking about that girl’s eyelashes hello, is your roommate gonna be there? no reason, just wondering hello, hasn’t everyone drunkenly kissed a girl? hello, did you know tove lo is bi? just thought it was interesting hello, you can’t deny that monopoly is a catchy song hello, ya i went to see betty who twice by myself hello, i’m just an ally hello, i might be bicurious hello, i’m probably more than curious hello, i’m bi, nice to meet you

i tell the sun i love her and in return she gives me freckles under my eyes tans my shoulders streaks my hair warms my chest tells my soul that life is still worth living

i keep shouting who am i into the void the echo screams back whoever you want to be

you deserve to be loved without condition. you are enough. without trying harder. without learning new things. without accomplishments. without success. without getting bigger or smaller. without getting smarter. without improvements. without changing anything at all. you are enough, just as you are.

look at this body look how she lets you breathe a belly filled with air is healing an exhale is surrender look at how she lets you move hips following rhythm feet dancing through sunlight look at her glow look at what she’s done for you tell her you love her tell her it’s not about what meets the eye it’s how she makes you feel

loving your body is a small revolution ignore anyone who tells you to change it

what i’m learning is that i can control no one but i can set intentions ask for healing bring love to the center i can tell myself i have been worthy all along

you are everything you were ever meant to be. don’t forget to celebrate yourself. celebrate who you are and your potential of becoming. dance in your kitchen and use a pen as a microphone. run outside and spin around in the rain. sing as loud as you can in your car. ask your inner child what they want, and give it to them. you owe it to yourself to live this life in your wild. you owe it to yourself to find out who you are. my final words to you, dear reader