Please Love Me at My Worst

by Michaela Angemeer

i just want to be loved i just want to be loved i just want to be loved i just want to be loved without condition

when they say they’re not trying to make you feel guilty it’s for their sake, not yours

i am learning that this is not about me this is about you i am healed, i am whole i am enough you are in pieces you are broken you need healing on your own stop trying to break me too

they told me love is patient love is kind but you showed me that love is harsh love is negativity pointing out the bad love is a sharp tongue love is bladelike teeth always cutting never saying i’m sorry how does this love feel like poison in my blood like i’ve never known iron like i’ve never known oxygen why did you show this hurt to such a little girl her small hands couldn’t handle your blade it ripped her heart open while you poured the acid you can keep your attempt at love i am learning to love on my own

if you keep trying to fix other people it’s you that’s broken

you don’t set boundaries to end a relationship you set boundaries to continue it

so instead of talking to friends you talk to yourself and your stuffed animals write on whatever you can find dance in your room sing karaoke make magic by yourself poor sweet baby you that little girl just wanted to be included to feel loved to be a part of something she may not have belonged, but she belongs to me

i really do miss you i wish you understood me i hope you take some time to learn about healing i hope you take some time to learn how to love yourself

sometimes i wonder what life would be like if we had never met if we never collided in this lifetime or learned what the curve of each other’s faces felt like who would i be if i had never held your hand who would i be if i had never been loved by you

all we’re doing is exchanging words so how have you already put my heart in my throat

i tried to teach you how to love me but the love i needed would have come naturally

saying i have trust issues would imply i have any trust left i just have issues

i don’t know why i keep giving people pieces of myself it’s like i have a resistance to wholeness more comfort in being broken

all i did was love you as much as a damaged heart could all you did was make it worse

what do you do when you choose someone and they do not choose you back

i love you more than anything i’ve ever felt i love you more than all of me

some people don’t even have to die to haunt you ghosts

i’m sorry i don’t have anything left in me i’m sorry all of me wasn’t enough for you

why was i born with the feeling unworthy gene like my blessings are undeserved like my accomplishments are accidents why can’t i just feel good about the good things not ruin them with heart beating faster my own anxious drum pounding erratically does anyone want to trade brains i’d like a quieter one does anyone want to trade me for sad i’d like happy instead

teach me how to love with arms wide open my limbs seem to be permanently crossed i’m stuck here unclench my fists kiss my palms and tell them all my wars have already been fought and the cavalry isn’t coming back remind me about the sun make me look up instead of down wish on my teardrops until they become moonlight i promise they’ll become moonlight please don’t give up on me please love me at my worst

we don’t talk about friendship breakups enough they’re less concrete less definite less written in ink sometimes you just drift away there’s no fight no closure no real ending all you get is an ellipsis

you are the only person who can put yourself first therapy lessons part III

remember, you are like the moon you can choose how where and when you reveal yourself

i keep shouting who am i into the void the echo screams back whoever you want to be

darling, i’m not interested in flowers or lust offer me a bouquet of empathy and trust

stop making choices that prioritize other people over yourself

if you have a body that wants to be seen don’t you dare let anyone tell you to cover it up