Please Love Me at My Worst

by Michaela Angemeer

inner child ['inər CHīld] noun a person’s childlike aspect characterized by playfulness and creativity often thought of as one’s first self, especially when damaged or buried by childhood trauma

i just want to be loved i just want to be loved i just want to be loved i just want to be loved without condition

when they say they’re not trying to make you feel guilty it’s for their sake, not yours

i am learning that this is not about me this is about you i am healed, i am whole i am enough you are in pieces you are broken you need healing on your own stop trying to break me too

so i dug up my missing you with tears and no shovel and you gave me a little more understanding of my mother when i heard you whisper she’s just tired

i wish you were here to remind us to love a little more and judge a little less

cause our brand of love is still i told you so when we could use a little more i love you no matter what

if you keep trying to fix other people it’s you that’s broken you don’t set boundaries to end a relationship you set boundaries to continue it

poor sweet baby you that little girl just wanted to be included to feel loved to be a part of something she may not have belonged, but she belongs to me

to my inner child— i am sorry you never learned how the words i love you were supposed to feel i am sorry you were ignored i am sorry you were never told you are enough

it was the heaviest thing to watch your petals fall as i write this my tears can’t help but pour because the holidays are so much harder when you’re not here

how do you draw boundaries when your inner child just wants closeness how do you cut off someone who hurts you when you just want to love her

i really do miss you i wish you understood me i hope you take some time to learn about healing i hope you take some time to learn how to love yourself

can you miss someone you never really knew

when will i stop falling in love with the idea of a person

it was less i was in love with you and more you made me feel like i was standing on stable ground for once

sometimes i wonder what life would be like if we had never met if we never collided in this lifetime or learned what the curve of each other’s faces felt like who would i be if i had never held your hand who would i be if i had never been loved by you

loving you is like drinking diet coke on an empty stomach i can feel you burning up inside of me but i’m just happy to feel something

how was i supposed to know that we wouldn’t end up together how was i supposed to know that i would end up alone

i tried to teach you how to love me but the love i needed would have come naturally

and all i could do to stay alive was burn my heart closed until it cauterized

saying i have trust issues would imply i have any trust left i just have issues

i don’t know why i keep giving people pieces of myself it’s like i have a resistance to wholeness more comfort in being broken

all i did was love you as much as a damaged heart could all you did was make it worse

if you wanted to be with me you would be here already

some people don’t even have to die to haunt you ghosts

i’m sorry i don’t have anything left in me i’m sorry all of me wasn’t enough for you

why was i born with the feeling unworthy gene like my blessings are undeserved like my accomplishments are accidents

why can’t i just feel good about the good things not ruin them with heart beating faster my own anxious drum pounding erratically

does anyone want to trade brains i’d like a quieter one does anyone want to trade me for sad i’d like happy instead

you cannot use someone else’s map to find yourself

my body aches harder now and i can’t stay awake for more than fifteen hours without an iced coffee or two

we don’t talk about friendship breakups enough they’re less concrete less definite less written in ink sometimes you just drift away there’s no fight no closure no real ending all you get is an ellipsis

you are the only person who can put yourself first therapy lessons part III

even though it’s over and i think i learned my lesson i’m grateful to have been loved by you

i am happy and i am sad i am lonely i am alive and i am me

love is sharing a banana split. and letting you have the last spring roll. it’s reminding me that i need to wake up early tomorrow. and staying up until i fall asleep. love is driving me to the airport. bringing takeout when you pick me up. love is grabbing your hand on a roller coaster. or during a scary movie. love is asking if you need a jacket. it’s feeling sad for me when i’m sad. love is knowing your favorite pizza toppings. love is surprise notes. love is being honest. love is showing up. love is all of it.

here i am simultaneously all that i’ve ever been and everything i could become

my kind of love goes deep but it has boundaries love me by giving me space

you deserve to be loved without condition. you are enough. without trying harder. without learning new things. without accomplishments. without success. without getting bigger or smaller. without getting smarter. without improvements. without changing anything at all. you are enough, just as you are.

i just want to be in love with somebody who wants to be in love with me

i just want my simple future love all i’m looking for is happy why do i have to go through all of this growing first why do i have to find myself before i find you

tell her it’s not about what meets the eye it’s how she makes you feel

baby, you will find someone the right one, someday but for now, take this time as a gift learn how to love yourself

what i’m learning is that i can control no one but i can set intentions ask for healing bring love to the center i can tell myself i have been worthy all along

you are everything you were ever meant to be. don’t forget to celebrate yourself. celebrate who you are and your potential of becoming. dance in your kitchen and use a pen as a microphone. run outside and spin around in the rain. sing as loud as you can in your car. ask your inner child what they want, and give it to them. you owe it to yourself to live this life in your wild. you owe it to yourself to find out who you are. my final words to you, dear reader