The Mother-in-Law

by Sally Hepworth

I take a moment to undo the unconscious conclusion I’d come to the moment I walked into the house—that Diana had married Tom for his money. It’s a sexist thought, but not a ridiculous conclusion to come to, seeing the disparity in their looks.

To me, fine is as good as dead.

If you ask me, everyone is a little too interested in their children’s happiness. Ask anyone what they wish for their kids and they’ll all say they want them to be happy. Happy! Not empathetic contributing members of society. Not humble, wise and tolerant.

Not strong in the face of adversity or grateful in the face of misfortune. I, on the other hand, have always wanted hardship for my kids. Real, honest hardship. Challenges big enough to make them empathetic and wise.

Take the pregnant refugee girls I deal with every day. They’ve been through unimaginable hardships, and here they are working hard, contributing and gratef...

I daren’t give my opinion either way. Mothers were to weigh in on such matters. Mothers-in-law were to wear beige and shut up.

The problem is it’s so easy for a mother-in-law to get it wrong. It seems there is an endless list of unwritten rules. Be involved but not overbearing. Be supportive but don’t overstep. Help with the grandkids, but don’t take over.

I tried when I lent her my most beloved possession, my Celtic necklace, on her wedding day. My own mother-in-law, Lillian, had lent it to me on my wedding day. The symbol represented strength, and Lillian had bought it to stay strong while Tom’s dad was away at war. She left it to me in her will, with a note that said: For strength. It occurs to me now, that perhaps I should have told Lucy the story when I gave it to her. Silly me.

I’m out the door before I realize I never explained the significance of the chicken.

That’s when I realized. Some people jumped in and tried to save someone who was in trouble; others did anything they could to save themselves. Ollie hadn’t meant to drown Nettie, he was simply following his instincts, just as she was following hers. My children had just shown me who they were.

is fiercely private, at least with me. She’s actually one of only a handful of people who can make me uncertain of myself. I enjoy this about her, the juxtaposition of it.

But for some reason, despite our similarities, when I look at her, all I see are our differences.

It occurs to me that only a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can have an all-out war without anyone so much as raising their voice.

He wasn’t being given a chance. I just made sure he was given one.” “That’s wonderful of you.” Diana sighs. “Yes, well. You probably don’t think I’m especially wonderful. But I do feel strongly that everyone should be given an equal chance. Hakem was not given one. My children, on the other hand, have been given every chance. Now it’s time for me to stay out of the way and see what they make of the opportunities they’ve been given.”

“Being poor and having to survive without my parents was the single most defining thing I’ve ever done. It showed me what I was capable of. As a mother, I think this is the most important gift you can give to your children. Unlike money, it can’t be taken away or lost.”

Ghezala doesn’t say anything at all, which, I realize, is a much more powerful response.

She’s a good mother, I have to admit. It occurs to me that I’ve never told her that.

My role is clear to me now. I will be the strong one. I’ll be good at this. I am aware of my limitations. I’m not warm, I’m not especially kind. But I can be strong.

She looks up. She’s crying, but her face has not swelled or become red. No eye makeup has smudged. Diana even cries with composure.

He was always physically warm, as well as the other type. His warmth was his superpower.

It’s not until we get out of there that it occurs to me that the doctor called me Diana’s daughter. And Diana didn’t correct her.

I knew the meeting would be led by a doctor—it might be sexist of me to have assumed it would be a man. If Tom had made the same assumption I’d have given him hell for it.

Sentiment had a way of diluting truth, and if I was going to leave a last few words of wisdom for my children, I wanted them to be clear.

Like Ollie, I live for that now. As a team, we’ve become passionate about making sure everyone gets a go. I like to think that we get that from Diana, and that she would be proud of us.