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life transitions as doorways to spiritual and creative awakening.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. —NAOMI SHIHAB NYE
The real reason for his emotions—for all our emotions—is to connect us. And Sadness, of all the emotions, was the ultimate bonding agent.
Fear keeps you safe. Anger protects you from getting taken advantage of. And Sadness—what does Sadness do?
Keltner had explained that Sadness triggers compassion. It brings people together. It helps you see just how much your community of quirky Pixar filmmakers means to you.
We also know that depressed (and formerly depressed) people are more likely to see the world from others’ points of view and to experience compassion; conversely, high-empathy people are more likely than others to enjoy sad music.
“caring is right at the heart of human existence. Sadness is about caring. And the mother of sadness is compassion.”
youtube.com/watch?v=cDDWvj_q-o8.
It is the union between souls. When we experience sadness, we share in a common suffering.
Keltner’s work shows us that sadness—Sadness, of all things!—has the power to create the “union between souls” that we so desperately lack.
If we can’t cherish kids, we know instinctively, we can’t cherish anyone.
“We are impelled to relieve the sufferings of another,” wrote Darwin, “in order that our own painful feelings may at the same time be relieved.”
Both Darwinism and Buddhism view compassion as the greatest virtue, and the mother-infant bond as the heart of sympathy.
the pursuit of happiness rather than the coming to terms with inevitable pain.”
attitudes of superiority prevent us from reacting to others’ sadness—and even to our own.
One answer is to practice the simple act of bowing down, as the Japanese do in everyday social life, and as many religious people do before God.
devotion rather than capitulation.
writing exercise in which we describe a time when someone showed us compassion, or we felt it for someone else.
You could notice when you resist acknowledging or being with suffering (your own or others’) throughout the day (e.g., when passing someone on the street who is asking for money or an extended family member who is challenging)….We
We often notice suffering (our own and that of others) but quickly dismiss it and thus do not allow ourselves to be emotionally touched or moved by the suffering.”
this type of criticism can move us away from our goals rather than towards them.”
In Japan, India, Iran, Argentina, South Korea, and the Maldives, smiling is viewed as dishonest, foolish, or both, according to a study by Polish psychologist Kuba Krys.
Many societies believe that expressing happiness invites bad luck and is a sign of selfishness, shallowness, and an uninteresting, even sinister, mind.
“We were always a little bit afraid of America’s smile.”
“In deep sadness” and “Words will not lighten a heavy heart,”
The fatality rate was six times that of World War II, or about six million dead, in current population terms.
There was no place for sorrow or joy—there was only the need to show that you were one of the winners, with a one-way ticket to heaven.
Calvinism was replaced by the new national religion of business, in which you were predestined not for heaven or hell but for earthly success or failure.
“reconfiguration of the doctrine of predestination,” with success as the holy grail, and the tycoon as high priest and alpha role model.
Loss became a condition to avoid, by relentlessly cultivating the mindset and behaviors of a winner.
The movement replaced the Calvinistic ethos of the Pilgrims with the belief in a forgiving deity and a universe of goodness in which people could heal and thrive—by adopting a relentlessly positive outlook.
Calvinism, holds that wealth is bestowed by God upon the worthy, and withdrawn from the undeserving.
“disenfranchised griefs”?
Socially, effortless perfection means an easy grace that gets you accepted to the most exclusive eating clubs just by showing up and being—apparently—yourself. “You should drink a lot and be really fun,” he explains, “but not enough to look silly. You should be able to carry on an engaging conversation and joke about a number of different things—you can have weird quirks, but not too weird. You have to be unique, but also fit the mold. You’re incredibly sociable but manage to do very well in all your classes. You should be able to have an intellectual conversation, but also shotgun a beer.
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It’s the chronic suffering, and the everyday suffering—triggered by relationship challenges, financial struggles, non-life-threatening afflictions, work stress, office politics, poor management, etc.—that is largely suppressed and/or undiscussable at work. And this is the kind of suffering that is particularly rampant.”
Leaders who behave angrily during challenging situations are often assumed to be more powerful than those who react sadly.
showing sorrow rather than anger sometimes leads to better outcomes for leaders, including stronger relationships with followers, and a greater perception of effectiveness.
angry people are generally considered aggressive and confident, while melancholic types are viewed as more timid and less assured—but also as warmer, and more sympathetic and likable.
an emergency in which an organization faces an outside threat—displays of anger might be more effective.
The more we accept our own makeup, the better chance we have of managing it.
A person giving feedback can’t be mindful of its recipient’s equilibrium—until she’s achieved her own.
Lara Nuer’s
the more he projected a false vision of himself as an all-knowing, all-powerful leader and father, the more his team—and his son—lost faith in themselves.
write about their difficulties for twenty minutes a day, for three days;
the men who’d written out their cares were three times more likely than the control group to have found work.
“Expressive writing” encourages us to see our misfortunes not as flaws that make us unfit for worldly success (or otherworldly heaven), but as the seeds of our growth.
“It’s urgent to live enchanted.” It comes from a poem by the Portuguese author Valter Hugo Mãe, and it reminds me to focus on the wondrous.
“Those who let their eyes adjust,” my cookie reads, “can see in the darkness.”
“there are ships sailing to many ports, but not a single one goes where life is not painful.”
You’re not saying there’s something wrong with you. You’re not saying that you have a pathology. You’re saying that you’re human. Welcome to humanity.
