Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?

by Julie Smith

Low mood gives you the urge to do the things that make mood worse.

So we get into these vicious cycles easily because all the different aspects of our experience are impacting each other. But while this shows us how we can get stuck in a rut, it also shows us the way out.

When I am feeling this, what am I thinking about? When I am feeling this, what state is my body in? How was I looking after myself in the days or hours leading up to this feeling? Is this an emotion or just physical discomfort from an unmet need?

Reflecting on moments after they happen will help to gradually build up the skill of noticing the links between those aspects of your experience as they happen.

Mood fluctuation is normal. Nobody is happy all the time. But we don’t have to be at the mercy of it either. There are things we can do that help.

Feeling down is more likely to reflect unmet needs than a brain malfunction.

You might notice that you feel the need for more reassurance from others when your mood is low. If you don’t get that extra reassurance you might automatically assume that they are thinking negatively about you. But that is a bias, and it is quite possible that you are your worst critic.

When we are struggling with low mood it only takes one thing to go wrong, and we have that tendency to write off the whole day.

That might make us feel less tolerant of others, disrupt our mood even further and add relationship tensions into the mix. This equates with trying to control the uncontrollable and inevitably sends our low mood spiralling down further.

Just as thoughts are not facts, feelings are not facts either. Emotions are information, but when that information is powerful, intense and loud, as emotions can be, then we are more vulnerable to believing in them as a true reflection of what is going on. I feel it therefore it must be a fact. Emotional reasoning is a thought bias that leads us to use what we feel as evidence for something to be true, even when there might be plenty of evidence to suggest otherwise.

The thing about the human brain is that, when you believe something, the brain will scan the environment for any signs that the belief is true.

For example, I am having thoughts that . . . or I am noticing these sensations. This use of language helps you to step back from the thoughts and feelings, to see them as an experience that is washing over you, rather than an absolute truth.

we need to work hard to see that pattern of thought as just one possible interpretation of the world and allow ourselves to consider alternatives.

our relationship with our thoughts can make the difference between a few minutes of frustration and something that ruins your mood for the entire day.

All those self-help books that told the world to just think positive didn’t account for the fact that you can’t control the thoughts that arrive in your mind. The part you can control is what you do once they appear.

Physically moving your body can help to shift your mind when it is otherwise very difficult.

Gratitude practice is another simple way to get used to turning your attention. Find a small notebook and, once a day, write down three things that you feel grateful for. They can be something big like your loved ones, or it can be a small detail of your day that you appreciate, such as the taste of your coffee as you sit down to work. Now, this sounds almost too simple to be effective, but every time you engage in gratitude, your brain is getting practice at turning its attention to things that create pleasant emotional states. The more practice you get – the easier it becomes to use that in other situations.

Write down three things you feel thankful for. They can be the larger, more profound aspects of your life or the tiniest of details from your day. What matters is not what you choose to include, but the practice of turning your attention on purpose.

We cannot control the thoughts that pop into our minds, but we do have control of our spotlight of attention.

So keep it small. Keep it consistent. Slow change is sustainable change.

Bring to mind someone you love unconditionally. Now imagine they were speaking about themselves the way that you speak to yourself. How would you respond to them? What would you want them to have the courage to see in themselves? How would you want them to speak to themselves instead? This task is one way to help us access that deep sense of compassion that we often show to others but neglect to show for ourselves.

But we need to get to work using the setback to strengthen the future. If we can better understand what caused the failure and that getting back on track is just part of the process, then we are in a good position to predict when it could happen again and steer around those challenges in the future.

We expect too much of ourselves and then fall into despair when we burn out or give up. When that happens, we are less likely to try again.

Think of a time when you failed at something and someone responded to you with kindness and encouragement. How did that feel? How did that help you to try again and succeed?

So, when the task ahead feels like a mountain to climb, you don’t look up at the peak. You narrow your focus and set yourself the challenge to make it to that next ridge.

A simple shift of language can help us turn towards gratitude. For example, try switching ‘I have to . . .’ with ‘I get to . . .’

Think about yourself at a point in the future and how you might feel about the choices you have made, what you said yes to and what you said no to. How will those choices have affected your life? Which of your choices and actions do you think you will be most proud of? When you reach that time in the future, what will you be focusing on? How will you feel about your past self when you look back?