Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?

by Julie Smith

But, in therapy, before we can expect anyone to work on healing any past traumas, we must ensure they have the tools in place to build resilience and the ability to tolerate distressing emotions safely.

you don’t need to wait until you’re struggling before you pick up this book, because it is OK to build upon your mental health and resilience, even if you are not unwell or struggling right now.

Low mood gives you the urge to do the things that make mood worse.

The first step to begin getting a grasp on low mood is to build our awareness of each aspect of the experience.

When I am feeling this, what am I thinking about? When I am feeling this, what state is my body in? How was I looking after myself in the days or hours leading up to this feeling? Is this an emotion or just physical discomfort from an unmet need?

Try this: Use these questions as journal prompts to help you reflect on your current coping strategies for low mood. When feeling low, what are your go-to responses? Do those responses provide instant relief from the pain and discomfort? What effect do they have in the long term? What do they cost you? (Not in money, but in time, effort, health, progress.)

We then apply that rule to others and feel offended or hurt when they fall short of that.

the feeling is influencing how you then interpret your situation.

When you are already struggling with mood, expecting yourself to do, be and have everything that you are when you’re at your best is not realistic or helpful.

If I don’t look perfect, I’m ugly.

Me lol

When we are under stress, all-or-nothing thinking creates a sense of certainty or predictability about the world. What we then miss is the chance to think things through more logically, weighing up the different sides of the argument and coming to a more informed judgement.

Egocentric thinking

the power is all in seeing them for what they are (biased) and then managing how we respond to them.

Start keeping a journal and choose specific moments to focus on (both positive and negative). Make a distinction between what you were thinking at the time, what emotions you noticed and what physical sensations came with that. Once you have the thoughts written down, go over the list of biases and see if your thoughts might have been biased at the time.

If you are in the moment and have the chance to write something down, put pen to paper and express your thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations. But as you do that, try to use language that helps you get some distance from those thoughts and feelings. For example, I am having thoughts that . . . or I am noticing these sensations. This use of language helps you to step back from the thoughts and feelings, to see them as an experience that is washing over you, rather than an absolute truth.

see that pattern of thought as just one possible interpretation of the world and allow ourselves to consider alternatives.

But life is often more complex and full of grey areas. It’s OK not to have a clear opinion on something while you take time to think about different sides of the story. So give yourself permission to sit on the fence for as long as you need to. Build up that ability to tolerate not knowing. When we do that, we are choosing to stop living life by the first thoughts that pop into our head. Our choices become more consciously thought-out.

We have this ability to think. But we also have the ability to think about what we are thinking. Metacognition is the process of stepping back from the thoughts and getting enough distance to allow us to see those thoughts for what they really are. When you do this, they lose some of their power over you and how you feel and behave. You get to choose how you respond to them rather than feeling controlled and driven by something.

noticing which thoughts pop into your head and observing how they make you feel. You

But we have to look where we are going if we want to stay on course.

mindfulness practice as the driving lesson for managing the mind.

‘What would I do if I was at my best?’

It does not rapidly eliminate low mood or change the problems you face. But it does hone your awareness of the details of your experience so that you are more able to choose carefully how you respond.

we also need to focus on the direction we want to move in, and how we want to feel or behave.

When dealing with low mood, focus on your personal values around health. What is important to you about your physical and mental health?

whole, unprocessed food, healthy fats and wholegrains.

ask ourselves on a regular basis, ‘What is one small change I could put in place today that would improve my nutritional intake?’ Then repeat this every day.

there is no perfect routine. Establishing a balance of predictability and adventure that works for you within your unique circumstances is key. Noticing when that goes off track and pulling it back is a big step in the right direction.

We must not wait until we feel like it, because feeling like it doesn’t come first, the action must come first. The feeling follows on after.

Motivation is a wonderful by-product of action.

If something matters to you and could benefit your health, don’t wait until you feel like it – do it anyway.

We can only focus on one thing at a time and we only have limited ability to do things that we don’t feel like doing.

We protect ourselves from the psychological threat of shame by sabotaging the process before it gets started.

Feelings are often accompanied by urges. Those urges are suggestions, nudges, persuasions telling us to try this or that to relieve the discomfort that we feel or to seek the reward that we anticipate. While those urges can be powerful, we don’t have to do what they say.

When we are working on long-term goals and making changes that we want to maintain, we have to learn to counter-balance the stress of effort with the replenishment of rest.

try switching ‘I have to . . .’ with ‘I get to

You cannot change what you cannot make sense of. Albert Einstein reportedly once said, ‘If I had an hour to solve a problem, I’d spend fifty-five minutes thinking about the problem and five minutes thinking about solutions.’ This quote often comes to mind when I hear the common misconception that therapy consists of sitting in a room and dwelling on your problems. It does involve thinking about your problems, but there is method in that. The most effective way to resolve a problem is to understand the problem inside out.

Far from making emotions go away in therapy, you learn to change your relationship with them, to welcome them all, to pay attention to them, to see them for what they are, and to act in ways that will influence them and change the intensity of them. Emotions are neither your enemy nor your friend. They do not occur because your brain has a few cogs misaligned or because you are a sensitive soul, as you were told in the past. Emotions are your brain’s attempt to explain and attach meaning to what is going on in your world and your body.

Emotions are real and valid, but they are not facts. They are a guess. A perspective that we try on for size. An emotion is the brain’s attempt to make sense of the world so that you can meet your needs and survive. Given that what you feel is not a factual statement, neither are thoughts.

When we treat our current thoughts and emotions as facts, we allow them to determine our thoughts and actions of the future. Then life becomes a series of emotional reactions rather than informed choices.

being curious about experiences in both our inner world and the world around us.

self-soothing boxes.

Do not underestimate the power of the smallest steps forward. If standing upright and washing your face every day feels like a battle, then let washing your face each morning become the current goal. Meet each chapter from where you are and push it where it moves.

Some people find expression through painting, music, movement or poetry. Whatever offers a safe avenue for you to release and express that raw emotion is worth making time and space for.

If you are not sure where to start, just start with anything that comes naturally to you. Start with the thing that has helped in the past. Or start with something just because you are curious about how it might be.

There is a time to feel and a time to block, a time for turning towards and a time for turning away to rest your mind and body.

The therapy room can become a sanctuary. A safe space to release raw emotion with someone who is trained to sit firm with you through that. The therapist can help you to make sense of things, use skills to help you manage safely, understand more about grief, and listen in a way you have never been listened to before, without judgement, advice or attempts to minimize and fix things for you. A therapist knows that the work of grief is through the pain, and their work is to walk through it with you and offer a guide when you need it.

With every turn I have ever made, the confidence that once seemed enough suddenly seems inadequate and vulnerability returns. Confidence is like a home that you build for yourself. When you go somewhere new, you must build a new one. But when we do, we’re not starting from scratch. Every time we step into the unknown and try something new, experience that vulnerability, make mistakes, get through them and build some confidence, we move on to the next chapter with evidence that we can get through tough challenges. We bring with us the courage we need to take that leap of faith again and again.

social media is a magnified reflection of who we are as a society,

Those who are highly self-critical are more likely to be critical of others.