A Thousand Heartbeats

by Kiera Cass

blind to how they’d change the trajectory of each other’s lives. Or how they irrevocably already had.

I had a feeling she knew exactly the type of person I was and just what I’d done. But she was free to come and go, and she always came back, so I hoped she didn’t hold it against me.

There was a man behind those eyes who understood me, who saw my mother in my face. And I missed him so much that I was doing everything I could to not despise this man.

I knew what recognition felt like. I wondered idly what it would be like to actually be known.

Then a deeper ache came to the surface, and I wondered what it would be like to be forgiven.

If I couldn’t be known or forgiven, perhaps it was enough to be feared.

He smirked. “What are you in the mood for today?” “Fairy tales. Ones where they get everything they ever wanted, ones with a happily ever after.”

Father used to show me all the shapes, tell me about the characters and stories that were tied to the lines in the stars. I didn’t know how much of it to take seriously, but now I liked to think that somewhere else, another father was telling his son the same stories, and that boy was thinking about the possibility in his life, and that he could be the kind of person who people turned into a legend, the kind of person people carved into the stars. That poor boy. One day the illusion would be shattered. But I hoped he had it still, if only for a night.

“But you need to find that strength in you and hold on to it. We still need you; I still need you.”

Nickolas and the chains of obligation felt like the absence of hope; Escalus and his faith in me felt like its full resurgence.

I’d hoped for a sense of freedom within the confines of my life . . . but that’s not going to happen for me. Nickolas is not my soul mate, nor is he my beloved. He’s my intended, and that is all. I’m simply trying to find a way to make the best of it.”

there was no denying the spark that came to his eye. Had it always been there? Maybe I’d mistaken his happiness at seeing me for simple charm. It was strange to think that all that light in his gaze belonged to me.

I swallowed, thinking that, if I didn’t return, Thistle might be the only one that cared.

And then there was a hand caressing my cheek. Unlike the land, this touch felt familiar, like it had been with me all my life. But somehow not. “There you are,” I breathed. “I am,” a voice whispered back. “Stay,” I pleaded. “It’s lonely.” There was no reply, only the same gentle stroke up my cheek and into my hair. It felt like I could truly rest, like I was both finally invisible and finally seen. It was such a relief that when I woke up and realized it wasn’t real, my eyes welled. I didn’t cry. I couldn’t cry. But I wanted to.

hated that he was beside me daily but still so far away. I could see that he was torn, a pang of regret visible in his eyes.

Through his grimace of a smile, Escalus whispered to me. “I’ll kill him.” I shook my head slightly. “If he died, it could invite a civil war. Don’t risk everything over my hair. I’ll survive.” And there was my new goal. Not flourish. Not enjoy. Survive.

“It was kind all the same, to care about two people in love.” “If you insist.”

“You know, even in places that are dark, even in the midst of war, sometimes, people find light in each other.”

I’d said I’d settle for being feared if I couldn’t be known. I was wrong. I preferred being feared. Being known left you bare, and I was chilled to my bones at the thought of it happening to me.

“I’m sorry I’ve been away,” I whispered. “I’d tell you why, but I think it’d break your heart.”

If it was magical? I’d go. Because isn’t it all supposed to be magical?” I asked.

There was nothing, only him. And he was still as I took him in. “Who are you?” There was no voice; I sensed he had no identity at all. And I sensed equally that he was curious about me, wanting to know my name, where I came from, and how I found the beach. I looked back at him, staring into the place where his eyes should be. “I am nobody, too,” I said. I could feel his sorrow for me. He reached up and touched his shadowy fingers to my cheek. It was then that I felt how icelike he was, how cold he was at his core. I stared at him, looking for a smile, for kind eyes, for anything that said he was a friend, not an enemy. There was nothing but ice.

There was so much broken between us that he couldn’t say I love you. Even if he had, I wasn’t sure I could have said it back.

“Do you have a favorite constellation?” She looked over at me in surprise, which was fair. Then she made a face as if she was confessing this in spite of her better judgment. “Cassiopeia.” I scoffed. “She’s hanging upside down. Forever. Why her?” She toyed with the ring on her finger—an engagement ring, I assumed. “There are worse ways to exist,” she said quietly.

My heartbeat thundered in my ears, and I had to put up my armor, refusing to let her touch my soul.

Annika and Lennox both held the things they’d taken from the other, knowing the next time they met, one of them would die.

You may take my freedom, but you will not be permitted to touch my joy.”

“I know you’re going to reject me. But save it for a few minutes so I can pretend we stood a chance for just a moment longer.”

“Love has a sound. It sounds like a thousand heartbeats happening at the same time. It sounds like the rush of a waterfall or the still of the world at daybreak. You can hear it at night, lulling you to sleep, and, in the middle of your darkest days, it breaks through like a laugh. “The thing is, some of us have been taught to listen for it, so when it comes, it’s all too easy to hear over the noise. For others, there are too many other sounds drowning it out. For them, it takes longer. But when it finally breaks through, it’s a symphony.”

“And if I don’t come back, thank you for staying with me. For so long, you were the only one.” I lowered my voice to a whisper. “Don’t tell the others, but I still prefer your company the best.”

It had been fascinating to watch how love chipped the jagged edges from someone, made them sharper in some ways and softer in others. It left me, for the first time, awed by the prospect. Love was complicated. Complicated, but so unexpectedly beautiful.

No, in the end, if she was going to die, it had to be at my hands. I couldn’t trust it to anyone—or anything—else. Anyone would agree that I’d had to save her.

“You don’t ever have to take a man at his word. Take him at his action. If he abandoned you once, he’ll do it again. A man like that is selfish through and through.

And, for the first time since we’d entered the cave, I felt true fear. It was one thing for me be silently in love with him—to go home empty, with nothing but the ache of his absence. But it was another thing entirely to force him to do the same. And I was terrified of the second that moment came.

“I love you. In spite of all that’s happened, and regardless of what comes next. I am hopelessly yours.” And there. That was it. I now had no more secrets.

Wordlessly, a lifetime’s worth of conversations were happening. While I kept hearing heartbeat upon heartbeat, I wondered if he could hear every fiber of my body screaming that I loved him. I wanted to say so. I wanted him to be able to wrap himself in it like I could with his cape. But some part of me worried that if I let those words out, they would make cuts that may never heal.

For how could they have known that they were doing the exact same thing—holding on to the tiny pieces they had of one another and wishing desperately that the other was by their side?

“What is death to you and me? Your memory is still breathing. I’m keeping it alive.”