Ethan & Jag Destroy the World

by Maz Maddox

“Jealous ... that you have skin and he doesn’t?” Sami asked, confused.

Jag shook his head but narrowed his eyes at the doll in the pink, frilly dress; it was staring at him. He hated that one the most.

Sprinkles coated the workspace, mocking Jag with how badly they stuck to everything except his cookies. The audacity of the tiny sugar flakes made his blood boil.

Just like the speakers in the kitchen, the car also played the same jingles and odd songs about possessed snow creatures, grandmothers being trampled by rogue deer, and running for one's life in a sleigh through the snow. If Jag wasn’t aware this holiday had roots in human religion, he would swear it was a demon-based celebration. Those all seemed like ideas his kin would come up with.

“I would not buy you coffee as an offering of courtship.” Jag snarled. “I would slay a chaos boar and bring you its tusks or wrestle a sulphur serpent to submission and rip the fangs from its skull to lay at your feet.”

Jag stared since nothing the witch said made any sense. How could a drink be of a certain age or lack sexual experience? Did he even want a drink that could potentially have sex? Satan below, what the hell would that even taste like?

“Never have I ever,” Jag summoned courage with a deep breath, “gotten a succubus's horn stuck in a sensitive area during an orgy.” There was a lot of silence, staring, and only one other person took a drink. “It wasn’t a horn, but it was a dildo, so I’m counting it,” the woman said with a shrug. Jag liked that human. “That’s a lot to unpack,” Ethan said slowly, his eyes wide. “I have so many questions.”

If you two cause the end of the world because you’re horny idiots, I’ll kill you.” Ethan was fairly sure they were doomed.

“Did you plan another vacation to the beach so I can take my revenge against the seagulls?” “Nope.” Ethan hooked his arm around Jag’s. “How about I show you?” “I still wish to get my revenge, Ethan.” Jag followed as Ethan pulled him out of the kitchen. “They stole from me and insulted me with their cries and by shitting in my ice cream.”