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Shit, shit, shit. This wasn’t part of the plan. My plan was to find the location the guy went to, tip off the police, and send them over to do the dirty work. My plan wasn’t to be stabbed in the middle of the woods by a guy who smells like he basked in a barrel of alcohol and has a mullet. I turn my head fast, trying to pull away, but I feel the blade of the knife whiz by me. I always knew being nosy was going to get me killed one day… I really didn’t think today would be that day.
“I didn’t mean to kill her,” he says, which really seems like a weak statement as he’s trying to cut my face off.
He’s always been rather nice to me whenever I run into him, unlike his brother who thinks I’ve crawled out of hell just to irritate him.
“Detective, I really… I’m sorry I was here, and I’m sorry that I—” “Trampled all over the crime scene, ran after a man who had a weapon, put yourself and possibly others in danger, and for what? Just some kicks? Do you watch too many superhero movies?” he asks. “My name is Hiro,” I joke. Clearly, I shouldn’t have joked. The joke falls as flat as I did when the guy pummeled me.
I stumble back and land in a chair as Stripper Ghost gets all up in my business. There I am with his floppy ghost dick hidden only by a thin thong as I glare at my brother who is delighted.
“You’re not going off and having ghost sex with Natalie on my birthday.” He shrugs. “That was once.” I stare at him. “Three times but it was an accident each time,” he says as he leans back on the couch. “How do you accidentally have sex with someone?” “It’s like ‘Oh whoops. This is my dick’ and she’s like ‘Oh whoops. This is my vagina’ and then you see what happens when you put them together.”
“I was wondering if you have a dog or have access to one.” “For? Sacrificial ritual?” “Yes, I want you to bring the dog so when I sacrifice you, I get to keep a dog,” I say. “Okay, let me write that down as reasons why you shouldn’t be a consultant… ‘Wants to murder me… and asks me to steal a dog.’ Got that. Anything else?”
While Maddox is talking to someone at the front desk, Reggie walks up and wraps his arms around Maddox’s neck before drawing his tongue up his cheek. I just stare at him, unsure if I should be amused or not. “Mine,” he growls.
He’ll be like ‘So… you’re reading car magazines, huh? I thought you were gay.’ And I’ll be like ‘What kind of misconstrued idea of being gay do you have,’ but I also refuse to tell him that it’s definitely Nicolás’s magazine.”
“I don’t trust that you’re safe at Nicolás’s house. Can Nicolás fight?” “One time he won the schoolwide championship of Street Fighter.” That entire sentence confuses me. “He’s… a street fighter?” I ask. “It’s a video game. I won the next year when it was Smash Bros.”
He looks me right in the eyes and kicks it again. He reminds me of a cat who just isn’t happy until it pushes the glass right off the table and likes it even more when you’re looking them in the eyes as it happens.
Hold the fuck on…” He sits up suddenly as his eyes get wide. “What?” I ask. “I want to pet Maddox.” Dread sets in. “Oh my god. NO. We’re not going to walk into his room and just start petting him.” He gives me the saddest look I’ve ever seen. “Please?” “Do you know how suspicious he’ll be if I sneak into his room and just pet him?”
I hold out the peace offering because I can only fathom how hard it is for him to live in a world where he can’t touch or interact with anything he loves. “Here,” I say as I stuff the cat into his arms. “Sex demon who I can’t exorcise, meet Cat. Cat, this is the sex demon I can’t exorcise.” “Oh… my… god,” Reggie breathes. “I CAN TOUCH IT.”
joking. I will cherish this picture for the rest of my life… which might not be long if you don’t send me a dick pic.
I’m thinking that we should take Maddox and put him here.” He’s motioning with his hands, which just makes me more confused. “And put you here,” he says as he puts me next to Maddox. “And put Nicolás here. And then we strip all three of you and smoosh you all together into a sexy man sandwich for me to watch.”
Man meat sandwich. You know you wanna be in the middle of those two.”
