Idol, Burning

by Rin Usami

There were so many ways of being in the world—friends, acquaintances, boyfriends and girlfriends, family—all of which involved influencing each other and adjusting daily in subtle ways. People who wanted balanced, reciprocal relationships said there was something unhealthy about connections that were only one-way. Stop pining over him, you don’t have a chance. Why are you always the one making sacrifices for her? It was tiresome being told I was being taken advantage of, when I had no expectation of getting anything in return. My devotion to my oshi was its own reward, and that worked well for me, so I just needed people to shut up about it. I wasn’t looking for my oshi to return my feelings. Probably because I didn’t even want to be seen or accepted the way I was now. I didn’t know whether he’d feel positively about me if we ever met, and I didn’t even think I’d choose to be by his side 24/7 if it were an option—even though, admittedly, exchanging a few words at a meet and greet would get me so excited I thought I might explode.