The Darkest Child

by Delores Phillips

I thought she was beautiful, despite my acquaintance with the demon that hibernated beneath her elegant surface.

Academically, I surpassed my peers, but at home I was a complete failure. At the age of twelve, my mother’s children were expected to drop out of school, get a job, and help support the family.

I loved her with all my heart, but if she did not die by Monday morning, I was determined to discover from the pages of my schoolbooks, how to break the chains that bound me to my mother.

My next eldest sibling, Martha Jean, was a defective replica of our mother. She could not hear and had never spoken one coherent sentence in her life.

We would be smart, beautiful, and white, and Mama would love us with all of her heart.

I wondered that day if I was the only one in the room who knew that there was something terribly wrong with our mother.

Mushy, Harvey, Sam, and Martha Jean were her white children. Tarabelle, Wallace, and Laura were Indians—Cherokee, no less. Edna and I were Negroes.

“Just think, Tan, all we do is fool around fire. First thing in the morning . . . fire. Last thing at night . . . fire. I think the devil getting us ready. We gon’ be the ones keep the fires burning in Hell.”

Im weak

“She done had her whites, her Indians, and her coloreds.This one must be Chinese or something ’cause it sho’ don’t wanna be born in this house.”

Weakkkk af

“A girl my age is called a woman,” he countered, “and that’s just what Martha Jean is—a woman.”

weird

“The best way to get them is through education,” Junior countered. “What good are laws that cannot be read or understood, or a tongue that spews only hatred and ignorance? What good is the written word to an illiterate man?”

God bless him. Mama had me screwing in every hayloft, field, and back room she could find. I never even knew what I was worth. One day I thought, screw you, Mama. I went out on my own and screwed my way right on outta Georgia.”

How she pay the rent then? How she buy food and stuff? And she got all them fancy clothes like some white woman. My mama say half the men in Triacy County pay yo’ mama’s rent. She say Miss Rosie do nasty, filthy animal things wit’ men, and they give her money to do it.”

I was baffled by the ambiguities of my mother’s emotions and behavior. She denied and feared God in the same breath. She allowed our actions to shame her, and yet she was void of shame. I truly believed there was something unnatural about her—a madness that only her children could see. My yearning was not to understand it, but to escape it.

“No!” she yelled. “I never thought you’d turn yo’ back on me. If you’d thought you was doing the right thing, you wouldna married her behind my back.You woulda tol’ me, Harvey.”

Already I missed Harvey, but he had just shown me that one day I, too, might walk out of my mother’s house—alive.

“He thinks I’m pretty, Mama.” “Nah. That boy ain’t said nothing like that. Is he blind?”

Bxtch

Anger is airborne. It can be inhaled, and once it enters a body it becomes a tenacious blob of blues and browns with tiny speckles of red. It settles heavy in the lungs, making breathing ever so difficult.

Mama stood at the edge of the porch dangling our baby sister over the side by one arm. As Martha Jean rushed toward them, Mama swung out once, twice. .

Wtf

“I’m yo’ grandma, gal,” she said without preamble. “John ain’t yo’ grandpa, but I’m yo’ grandma, awright.”

“First of all, I’m not convinced that he is my son. All I know is what you told me. I was just a boy, Rozelle, and you had me thinking you were a white woman. Remember that?”

“Let’s get one thing straight,” the sheriff said. “I wouldn’t dare touch you.You’ve been with just about every man in this county. I wouldn’t take that kind of filth home to my wife.”

Cawww

“I done been knocked up before, fooling ’round wit’ men,” she said.“Mama took me to Miss Pearl, and she got that baby out my belly wit’ a wire hanger.

There’s something wrong when a man puts all of his trust in another man, especially when that other man don’t care if you live or die. The white man don’t give a damn about none of us, no more than what we can do for them.And we’re doing everything for them.”

Stilll

“Don’t make me hurt you,” he whispered against my ear. “Think about your brother. I can have him free by tomorrow.”

Smh

“I didn’t think you’d ever have to do it. Mama always said didn’t no man want you.”

Wow

“Martha Jean can stay for supper. She’s bought and paid for. Nobody traded anything for me, and I’m going home.”

She had seen me wrap my arms around her husband, had watched me taste and inhale him. She had looked inside of me and seen the wanting in my heart. But Martha Jean would have to understand that I needed Velman more than I had ever needed anything else in my life. I would have to make her understand.

Here you go, Pearl,” she said, shoving Edna forward.“This all I got left belong to Frank.”

Girrrlll

How can we expect black and white children to get along at school when they can’t even drink from the same water fountains where God’s water flows freely?”

“Martha Jean is a sweet girl, and I see the way you be looking at her husband.You know you gotta quit that, don’t you? I be watching him, too. He ain’t gon’ keep refusing you. He ain’t gon’ be able to. And yo’ sister—she ain’t gon’ keep forgiving you.”

“But I want him, Crow,” I said. “I want Velman.” It was the first time I had admitted it aloud to anyone, and the confession gave me a sense of relief.

Smh

“Rosie, how you know Chadlow killed Junior?” Miss Pearl asked. Mama seemed barely able to get the words out.“I was wit’ him when he done it,”

“I wish you hadn’t done it, Crow.” “Nah, sugar, you glad I done it.You knew I was gon’ do it.You’ll forgive me for putting you through this, but you wouldn’t never forgive me if I’da left here without doing something.”

“That’s one of the reasons I came back.You give yo’ heart like it’s water.You need to keep enough of it to love yo’self.Now, tell me you wouldn’t kill for that Velman.”

“Crow.” He stopped once more. “If you ever come through this messed up town again, don’t look for me,” I said.“I won’t be here, but your mother will always know where I am.”

Mushy say, “You done spent yo’whole hateful life calling Martha Jean dumb.Who the dumb one now? You can’t even wash yo’ own ol’ nasty behind. I don’t know why they didn’t keep you in that hospital.”

“Tara ain’t got no food in her basket,” Laura answered.“She just got something that smell like kerosene, and a box of matches to light the lamps.”

“Tan,” she said, slurring her words.“I’m just gon’ come right on out and say this ’cause I can’t keep it in no longer. Mama killed our sister. While you was all up there in that smoke and stuff, I was down in that car wit’ that devil bitch, asking her what the hell happened. Took me a long time to get it outta her, but I got it. I sho’ nuff got it.”

“You need to understand that you’ve placed yourself in the hands of the same children you taught to honor you. I’m afraid they might honor you the same way you’ve honored them, and we both know that’s no good.Tara

“What do you think it’s going to be like when Tara comes back for you?” I asked. It was the cruelest thing I had ever said.