Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Katie Duncan
Read between
October 24 - October 25, 2022
You do not need to wake them. Allow them to sleep, help them to bed, cover them with a blanket, tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. Remember sleep is the body and mind’s space to rest peacefully. So let them sleep. They may just be dreaming about something special.
Forcing nutrition on your loved one’s body is not beneficial when this is not what their body wants or needs. Doing so can even be harmful.
Help your loved one by allowing them to guide you.
Providing their requests will give them back some control, empowering them in the last days of their life.
Your loved one will be sleeping more and more until they are sleeping most of every single day. They are likely to appear more and more distant and withdrawn. They will have little to say and may not appear to be aware of their surroundings. They may stare off into the distance as if they are in a daze.
Your loved one may start to have periods of restlessness, agitation, delirium, or confusion. They may tug at their clothes or blankets, yell or call out, speak nonsensically, or be unaware of who you are or where they are. You may notice this happening repeatedly at certain times of the day, especially in the afternoon or evening. This is called sundowning.
The most supportive thing you can do at this time is to remain calm. You can try to reorient your loved one to their surroundings. Remind them of who they are, where they are, and who you are. Remind them they are safe.
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Rather than deny their visions, be curious and acknowledge them. Ask your loved one to describe who they are seeing and what these visitors are saying. If your loved one appears scared, again remind them they are safe.
With my years of end-of-life work and our shared stories of my experiences, he knew that I knew. And I did. I knew whoever he was seeing would guide him wherever he went when he left this world.
If your loved one is using oxygen therapy, avoid petroleum-based products such as Vaseline to moisten their lips/nose/face. Instead, use water-based products such as Aloe Vera or K-Y jelly.
Nausea and vomiting episodes are quite common experiences at the end of life. One cause may be related to the chemical and hormonal changes within the body, which may lead to overstimulation of the body’s vomiting response. Nausea may also be caused by constipation or blockage somewhere within your loved one’s digestive tract.
Pain is subjective, meaning each of us perceives and feels pain differently.
Some pain is physical. Some pain is emotional. Some pain is psychological. Sometimes, emotional and psychological distress manifests as physical pain.
However, uncontrolled pain may be more likely to speed up the dying process due to the stress pain puts on the body.
It is much easier to prevent pain altogether than to relieve pain your loved one is already experiencing, especially if that pain is severe.
Dip mouth swabs in their favorite drinks to give them a small taste of the flavor on their tongue.
Reading that letter to him, and hearing his simple response, “And I love you,” gave me closure. It gave me peace of mind and heart.
Hearing is thought to be the last sense to leave us when we are dying.
“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.” Rachel Naomi Remen
Grant yourself permission to protect your energy. You and your loved one deserve this.
Selecting a funeral home in advance is essential because it is unlikely you will have the emotional capacity to easily make decisions the moment of their death.
“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forget life, to be at peace.” Oscar Wilde
sometimes, you may witness your loved one experience a spontaneous surge of energy where they become mentally sharp, lively, participating in spirited conversations, laughing, and maybe even asking for food.
Terminal agitation can occur for many reasons, from physical changes inside the body to emotional changes that can no longer be communicated.
Remember that energy is contagious. Your calm and peaceful energy may bring your loved one comfort. While fearful and anxious energy may worsen agitation.
As your loved one’s body nears death, their breathing function is preparing to stop, which may lead you to believe they are struggling. Please understand these are natural and normal end-of-life transitions.
During these final hours and days, I cannot stress enough how important it is that you give your loved one permission to die.
Giving your loved one your permission to die is perhaps the most beautiful gift you could ever give them.
While you may want to be with your loved one when they die, they may not want you there.
With your physical presence no longer right next to them, your loved one may take comfort knowing you will be okay without them.
“Take the hand of [someone special who has died before them] and go with them.”
Even so, as prepared as you believe you are, you can never be fully ready for the shock and magnitude of that moment.
There is an honor in being at their bedside and a privilege to be within this divine space. Find wonder in the possibility of their new world- a world we cannot see, hear, taste, smell, or touch. Embrace the beauty and awe this space offers. Cherish it. Do not rush it. You will not get it back.
Release any judgment you place on your answers. Acknowledging your feelings allows all parts of you to adjust to this momentous event.
When the funeral home director and team arrive, I encourage you to step into another room while they assist your loved one out of the house. Watching this process can be incredibly upsetting for some.
Instead of standing by the doorway, do something to remember and celebrate your loved one by how they lived.
When that moment arrived, those of us who happened to be at his house walked into the kitchen together, poured our drinks, clinked our glasses, and each said our “I love you’s” and our “thank you’s.” Our other family members across the country did the same where they were, alone or with others, at home, at work, or wherever.
It is normal to feel whatever you are feeling.
“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp” Anne Lamott
