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“Greyson Scott. But I go by Grey,”
Kids don’t introduce themselves like this, especially not teenagers. The whole First-Last name is for business meetings, not for teenage meet-cutes.
Jules.
How rude, he gave her a nickname after 3 minutes of interaction.
Ju-ju
Okay, first date, he’s already using a second nickname, and this one is worse.
“God, I love that. Any other girl would’ve fallen on her ass,”
SHES DEFINITELY NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER GIRLS. Why do guys say things like this? They don’t have to shit on all other women to compliment us. I especially don’t like it when it’s written by a woman. If he’d said “most people would have fallen if I did that” cool. But not this.
“Fuckin fireworks, Juju.”
Actually, so far it has been zero chemistry between these two characters. They literally have exchanged less than 20 sentences.
Was I already his girl? We’d only had one date, but by the end of it, it did feel like we’d known each other for much longer.
Lmao, they kissed once and barely spoke. He’s being a little presumptuous and I like that Juliana’s knee-jerk reaction was to question this as well. She gave up a little too quickly for my liking though.
I, on the other hand, having played a bit in the NHL, had no luck with women,
I’m sorry, I don’t get the correlation here. Did the author mean to say that DESPITE him being in the NHL, he has no luck with women?
Canyon
Why would she subject her child to this name???
Get your head in this- in what’s front of you, dude,”
Grammar.
“Paige?”
Okay, HOW did max not mention that his girlfriend worked at the rink bar? Like 15 steps away from where they’d previously been standing.
made me so upset and nervous I puked up my beer like some kind of sorority girl.
Love the casual sexism
my little booze bag
Ewwwww, this is not a cute nickname for someone who already feels bad.
“I am sorry.”
She’s apologized like 5 times in this one conversation when she hasn’t really had a reason. If they’ve been together as long as they say, I feel like even if her grandparents made her meek and apologetic, being with him would have corrected it at this point.
I’m so so sick
Missing comma
She formed an o with her mouth then.
Missing quotations around « O »
even more impossibly tough.
Weird way to say this.
Bandaid.
Since it’s capitalized, it refers to the brand which is hyphenated. Should be « Band-Aid »
I all of a sudden felt
Missing commas around « all of the sudden.» ALSO, should be « all of THE sudden. »
I still couldn’t get used to her as a blonde and I kind of hoped she would change it back soon. I had to remind myself to be supportive of what she wanted too… I did start a tat sleeve without telling her, which was definitely a double standard…
One, what is his problem with her hair? Two, love the self awareness, though it’s more of a « I know it’s wrong, but I’m going to keep thinking it anyway. »
my designated blanket,
This almost implies that they hand out these blankets at practice and this is her designated one. When likelihood is that this is her blanket that she brought. Sometimes there is no need for adjectives. Simple is best.
Greys,
I thought his nickname was « Grey »
“Kevin is a promising guy in the office,”
This is such a weird thing to say in front of the person themselves.
The kids all looked at me with a gleam in their eyes, probably noticing that I’d been in the NHL just last year.
Weird word choice, maybe should have been « recognizing » instead of « noticing. »
dropped down head.
LOWERED head. Word choice.
It’ll remain a blob or like fall off.
While we do say « like » a lot in real life, it does not come across well in writing. Also, if you are going to use it, « like » should be followed by a comma.
A-bra for a C
I’m sorry, WHAT. How much weight did she gain? Because breasts are pretty much all fat. Like, that’s fine, but also mention her hips rounding out or something. This makes it seem like she just grew boobs but remained the same everywhere else.
They picked dark wash jeans and a nice button-down. It was a bit busy for my taste, but apparently it was the “in” style.
What.
He’s white girl wasted.”
I feel like it’s okay for girls to say this, but not guys.
I’m pretty whipped. I’m gonna get to bed, babe.
Probably should be « wiped »
“You have broken ribs, bud,”
I thought Kevin, I’m assuming, or whoever he hired, hit him only once in the head. How did he break ribs?
Canyon gave a nod of approval,
Should be agreement, rather than approval.
“We didn’t get it right in our Gametime. But I think we were able to get it right in our Overtime.
Such cheese, I love it.
Jule’s son,
Her nickname is Jules, to make it possessive, apostrophe goes after the « s »
“I think she’s going to be constantly pregnant for the next ten years,” Grey joked, but something in his eyes told me he wasn’t lying.
I’m sorry, I find this so creepy. Maybe it’s my aversion to pregnancy, but idk if the body is made to be an incubator ten times.
She wants me even more now, like all the time. Pregnancy hormones are amazing,”
Dont fucking tell this to random people. What the hell. That’s details about their intimate relationship.
“Didn’t you not hear me?”
Oh, man. People, please have some edits before submitting the books. It’s so distracting as a reader to see glaring errors like this.
