How to Be Perfect: The Correct Answer to Every Moral Question

by Michael Schur

Reasons make us feel better because they reframe our choices as inevitable, thus absolving us of responsibility.

the choices we make may be our own, but the life into which we’re born, and many of the events that befall us after that, are things we often have little or no control over.

More than a century later, Kurt Vonnegut would update and rephrase this sentiment in a way I find much more fun: “I’m telling you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody ever tell you any different.”

(Some people, as the old saying goes, were born on third base and think they hit a triple.)

“The essence of bullshit,” said Frankfurt, “is not that it is false but that it is phony.”

Another classic disingenuous apology move—which Yoho employed a version of—is to say “I’m sorry if you were offended,” which of course is less an apology than an accusation. That’s saying both “I did nothing wrong” and “You’re so dumb you thought I did something wrong and got upset, so I’m sorry you’re so dumb.”

hopefully, by trying over and over, you’ll get closer and closer to getting it right. The trying is important. Keep trying.

Being a good person is a job, and a hard one at that. But if you care about it, it may start to seem less like work and more like a puzzle you can solve. And in those rare times when you have to make a decision and you assemble the pieces in exactly the right way, so the image of what to do comes sharply into focus—you will feel alive and fulfilled and elated. You will feel like you’re flourishing. Which is really what Mom and I hope for you. We want you to be safe, from harm and from the pitfalls of the specific lives you’re leading. We want you to be happy—not in the eating-pizza-with-your-friends way, but in a deeper, more lasting way. We want you to be good—to act with good intentions, to cause minimal harm to those around you, to abide by rules you’d want everyone to follow and that other people wouldn’t reject as unfair. We want you to apologize when you screw up, and we want you to try to do better the next time. Doing all of these things can help you flourish—to be the very best versions of yourselves. But again, there will be plenty of other times when you do not flourish. When you straight-up blow it. And then you’ll try again, and you’ll blow it again, over and over, and you’ll be frustrated and you’ll feel awful. And if you’ve tried to do something good a thousand times, and you’ve failed a thousand times, and the people around you are miserable, and you’re at the end of your rope, and you’re losing faith in yourselves, you know what we want you to do then? Kee...

Pamela described the cases of “the doormat” and “the asshole.” When we pitch rules to the doormat, he agrees to everything, because he undervalues his own interests. When we pitch rules to the asshole, she agrees to none of them, because she overvalues her interests. So, neither of these unreasonable people gets the chance to sit at the metaphorical table where we’re coming up with our rules.