John Dies at the End (John Dies at the End, #1)

by David Wong

Most people don’t realize it until they’re laying facedown on the pavement somewhere, gasping for their last breath. Only then do they realize that life is a flickering candle we all carry around. A gust of wind, a meaningless accident, a microsecond of carelessness, and it’s out. Forever.

Scientists talk about dark matter, the invisible, mysterious substance that occupies the space between stars. Dark matter makes up 99.99 percent of the universe, and they don’t know what it is. Well I know. It’s apathy. That’s the truth of it; pile together everything we know and care about in the universe and it will still be nothing more than a tiny speck in the middle of a vast black ocean of Who Gives A Fuck.

“Every man is blessed with his gifts from the Lord. One of mine happens to be a penis large enough that, if it had a penis of its own, my penis’s penis would be larger than your penis.”

Jim whispered, “The Devil.” Marconi said, “Son, the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world there was only one of him.”

only to find out “salaried” just means he doesn’t get paid for overtime.

You’re the kind of man a man wants when a man wants a man.”

Something coming back from the dead was almost always bad news. Movies taught me that. For every one Jesus you get a million zombies.