I Guess I Haven't Learned That Yet: Discovering New Ways of Living When the Old Ways Stop Working

by Shauna Niequist

The next day, I woke up to my new morning routine. I begin by feeling the unfeelable feelings and thinking the unthinkable thoughts. Second, I forgive. I forgive the night. I forgive the people who have hurt me. I forgive the world for not being what I wanted. I forgive myself for all the ways I feel like I’m failing. Then I make space for desire: What do I want? I want healing. I want to move through the pain and leave it behind. I want lightness and freedom of spirit. Andrew, my beloved therapist, encouraged me to set aside a time every day to feel the sadness. I knew the power of the magic desk, but I forgot for a couple days, so I went back and wrote out the questions: What’s happening inside me? What’s happening around me? What might I need to learn or unlearn or face right now? Am I offering deep kindness and forgiveness toward myself, deep kindness and forgiveness for others? Am I tending lovingly to myself and others? What do I need to walk away from or walk toward? What requires my participation or voice? I kept writing, kept asking questions, kept making space for grief and forgiveness and pain and desire. I kept walking, willing spring to come, around me and inside me. And then there was a moment when I was walking up the stairs to our apartment alone, hand on the wobbly banister, mind churning. After so much grief, so much wrestling, so much pleading—I don’t want this to be my life!—I felt that click of acceptance. Something inside me said, clear as an audible ...