By the time school let out, I’d already stopped attending. Despite all the drug use, this was actually a first. I had never outright skipped college classes before. I’d always dropped them in time, or simply taken the whole semester off if I knew I was too entrenched in drugs to pass. That was part of how I’d walked away from Rutgers with straight A’s. And in my mind, those grades were key: As long as I was not failing my classes, I could always tell myself there was a chance it would be okay in the end. I was frequently not committed to living, and often wanted to just decay or implode. But I
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