The Opportunist (Love Me with Lies, #1)

by Tarryn Fisher

I am Olivia Kaspen, and if I love something, I rip it from my life. Not intentionally…not unintentionally either.

He had the kind of eyes that always looked like they were laughing at you. Their color was amber, and smile lines already creased their corners like delicate folds in paper.

“You can learn a lot about a person by their features and what they do with them. But, getting to know someone—who they really are—takes time,” he said.

“Olivia, you can have any man you want. Why him? Why is it always about Caleb?” “Because…because I didn’t need anyone until I met him.”

I was a relationship retard. I kicked, shoved, and punched people out of my life, so they never had a chance to hurt me.

Life carried on, but all of a sudden, it wasn’t the same. There was a change in me. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but somewhere in my brain, a new door had appeared and despite my hardest efforts to keep it closed, my thoughts kept going there, wandering around in the empty room, putting up images of Caleb. Sometimes I felt sad for days, then my mood would swing and I would feel incredible rage toward him for messing with my head. Around the second month of my emotional torture, I gave up the fight. Obviously, I no longer wanted to be an island. Maybe it was time to open up and experiment with relationships.

He was like an itch that never went away. I thought of him when I looked at trees, buildings, and when I was in the checkout line at Target choosing gum. I thought of him when I brushed my teeth and when Cammie was babbling on and on about the color of her new shoes

This was going to kill me, but that was the price of obsession.

He was my crack. I could never get enough, and when I had him I was already thinking about when I could have him next.

You don’t know who you are and I know exactly who I am, which is why you should probably be running for your life.”

The hurt I experienced was so potent and searing for the first six months, dominating each day like a sore throat. After that, it became a constant ache, an absence that never left your bones.

You are the only woman I know how to love. The only woman I want to love.”

If only it were that simple. Did I love him at this point? I loved him from the first point…the point where our two lives crossed the first time. I couldn’t tell him that though—I didn’t know how, and every time I tried, the words would get stuck in my throat.

“A man is only as good as what he loves most, right?”

“Oh—screw love,” I said, more to myself than her. “It doesn’t always survive the bad things.”

But with all things new, there is a stage of uncomfortable acclimation.

I am so good at pretending, that sometimes I lose track of who I really am.

I am so tired of this cycle, this constant struggle to breathe the same air as him.

It rips me to my core, that he belongs in her life and not mine.

Why do I still feel the same when everyone else is different?

“I fell in love underneath a tree,” I begin.

I stomp my foot on the pavement, agitated, and an animal wail emerges from my mouth. I am so freaking sick of loving him.

I loved people. I loved lots of people. I just didn’t tell them.

It was never about not wanting you, it was about wanting you too much and you not wanting me back!”

“I loved you enough to put aside every one of my feelings to accommodate yours. What did I get in return? Coldness and emotional detachment. You are selfish and bitter and you wouldn’t know a good thing if it fell out of the sky at your feet.”

My mind was unhinging, my light was turning dark.

How had I never known that I was an empty hole incapable of showing love?

You will remember me every day for the rest of your life because I was the one and you threw me away.”

Despite everything you’ve done, and I won’t sugarcoat, you’ve done some pretty lousy things, but you did it all because you love this single human being so much you couldn’t help yourself. There is an honesty in that.”

“I’ve never met someone who’s quite as honest about their bad deeds and who speaks with so much candor about their feelings.

“I bought a subscription to irony the day I met him.”

I hate fate. He is a bored little brat who can’t let people heal in peace.

“I think that after the first time you give your heart away, you never get it back. The rest of your life is just you pretending that you still have a heart.”

“There is more to loving someone than just making yourself happy. You have to want him to be happier than you are.”

No matter how we try to stay apart, something keeps guiding us back together.

Please, please don’t forget me, because the possibility of that hurts more than anything else.”

There is something about my life that is scripted with his. We keep crossing—no, crashing together.

Life always keeps moving, even if it has to drag you along, kicking and screaming.

I am a victor in a way—a survivor. Because I fought the monster in myself and I won. But what have I lost in the process?

Caleb was like a hurricane that swept through my life, stirring up things inside of me that I never knew existed. He is a longing I will never cure.

I lost myself, yet I had never found myself. I am very saddened by the fact that I wasted so much time. I know it is not too late to figure things out, to find what I love and who I am. But, then again, I am not sure that I want to know.

Life balances itself on a precarious ledge; we can stay safe up high or propel off the edge.

You can only give your heart away once; after that, everything else will chase your first love.