If He Had Been with Me

by Laura Nowlin

If he had been with me, everything would have been different.

Take a shot every time she says this

all the things that the word should mean to them, shades of red, change, and death.

What ??

I was quirky and odd and I did not have any friends besides Finny.

oh god here we go

I wanted to learn about the Salem witch trials for history. I read books under my desk during lessons and refused to eat the bottom left corner of my sandwiches. I believed platypuses to be a government conspiracy. I could not turn a cartwheel or kick, hit, or serve any sort of ball. In third grade, I announced that I was a feminist. During Job Week in fifth grade, I told the class and teacher that my career goal was to move to New York, wear black turtlenecks, and sit in coffee shops all day, thinking deep thoughts and making up stories in my head.

Omg shes SO quirky and unique !!

My hair and fingernails are black.

r u emo

She is wearing a black T-shirt and thick, dark eyeliner.

They ARE emo

So I decided to give up and be the Weird Girl again, and Sasha followed me.

Me in middle school i fear

A few days ago on the phone, he said that he loved me;

Hello ??

“At least my father’s around for Christmas,” I say. His expression changes only for an instant. Then it is as if a door has closed again.

girl this was unprovoked ??

I just don’t like her, and they annoy me.

U dont like her bc u wish u were in her position and w finn

Sometimes I am disappointed with love. I thought that when you were in love, it would always be right there, staring you in the face, reminding you every moment that you love this person. It seems that it isn’t always like that.

Oh baby

After we fight, I want so much to be close to him, and the next day I want his hand in mine every minute.

Okay co-dependecy and attachment issues !

He hated the idea of anyone—anything—ever being sad or hurt.

Foreshadowing

But when your mom has been hospitalized twice for depression, you learn to read between the lines.

DAMN.

I drew flowers and hearts and animals. Finny drew rocket ships and soccer balls.

Breh..real friends draw dicks on each other

“Two houses,” I said. “And four people.” “It’s our houses,” he said. “And our family.”

Oh :/

“I love you,” I say, and I’m not saying it to remind myself that I do; at this moment I can feel it. “Love you too,” he says.

Do not like that he said love you too

Brooke is sitting on the bathtub. Her eyes are red, and she is dressed in her shorts and shirt again.

Shes preggo duhh

“I cheated on Noah,” she says.

O- nvm !

Finny is bending over and scratching the top of Augusta’s head.

Girl he likes u omg

I love him in a way I cannot define, as if my love were an organ within my body that I could not live without yet could not pick out of an anatomy book.

Finally

“Come on, Sylvie, take the jacket,” he says, holding it out to me. “Autumn,” I say. “Huh?” He frowns. “My name is Autumn. You just called me Sylvie,” I say. His frown deepens. “Oh. I’m sorry, Autumn. Take the jacket, Autumn,”

She says he is a good driver, but she is still terrified of him killing himself on the road some night.

Well.

I am a virgin, and I cannot drive.

Real

I know that someday I will die, and I know that someday I will lose my virginity; these two things seem equally probable, equally impossible.

Me in middle school

“Jamie, Finn, sit back down please,”

“Love you, sick girl,” he says. “Even when your breath smells like vomit.” “Thanks,” I say. He kisses my mouth and ruffles my hair.

This is cute but also gross at the same time

I upgraded my fantasy of pulling her hair to pushing her in front of the bus.

Real

in the real world, it can’t get better than that.

Oh but it can

He said it works for Sasha because she’s boyish, but he likes me feminine.

Red flag

“I know. That’s the best part,”

Wdym by that ??

His favorite song was on the radio when we got in and I wasn’t allowed to speak until now.

Red flag

I can feel the printed words seeping through my skin and into my veins, rushing to my heart and marking it forever. I want to savor this wonder, this happening of loving a book and reading it for the first time, because the first time is always the best, and I will never read this book for the first time ever again.

Ykw hell yeah

“Try to marry your first love. For the rest of your life, no one will ever treat you as well.”

Well...

Jamie says he will major in business.

Of course

I’ve loved him my whole life, and somewhere along the way, that love didn’t change but grew. It grew to fill the parts of me that I did not have when I was a child. It grew with every new longing in my body and desire in my heart until there was not a piece of me that did not love him. And when I look at him, there is no other feeling in me.

He went to a movie with Sasha this afternoon,

I wouldnt be surprised if he cheats w sasha

My love for Finny is buried like a stillborn child; it is just as cherished and just as real, but nothing will ever come of it. I imagine it wrapped up in lace, tucked away in a quiet corner of my heart. It will stay there for the rest of my life, and when I die, it will die with me.

Right

On August 8, nothing happens.

but something WILL happen

And we weren’t friends anymore.

Bruh.

“Oh shit. I remember. I was at the movie with Sasha—”

Right...

“Sasha and I have discovered that we have feelings for each other.”

I called it

“Well, that part is stupid,” Finny says.

YOU TELL HER KING

And I feel Finny put his arm around my shoulders.

God, Autumn, you’re the ideal I’ve judged every other girl by my whole life,” Finny says. “You’re funny and smart and weird. I never know what’s gonna come out of your mouth or what you’re gonna do. I love that. You. I love you.”

“Finny?” I say. There is silence. “Oh, Autumn,” my mother says.

Death happens to him more suddenly than I can describe to you or even care to imagine.

I lie in bed and look at Finny’s window.

I opened my eyes and thought, “Oh shit.”

Me