If He Had Been with Me

by Laura Nowlin

I wanted to learn about the Salem witch trials for history.

Jamie is a dark-haired Adonis, a Gothic prince. And he is now mine.

When I come out of the stall, she is staring at herself in the mirror. I wash my hands and look over at her. “Hey, are you okay?” I say. It takes her a moment to answer. “Yeah,” she says, “Sorry, I just zoned out for a second there.”

?

I love him in a way I cannot define, as if my love were an organ within my body that I could not live without yet could not pick out of an anatomy book.

It’s the way I love Finny. And it’s impossible to say and even harder to feel.

❤️‍🩹

I can feel the printed words seeping through my skin and into my veins, rushing to my heart and marking it forever. I want to savor this wonder, this happening of loving a book and reading it for the first time, because the first time is always the best, and I will never read this book for the first time ever again.

“Try to marry your first love. For the rest of your life, no one will ever treat you as well.”

I’ve loved him my whole life, and somewhere along the way, that love didn’t change but grew. It grew to fill the parts of me that I did not have when I was a child. It grew with every new longing in my body and desire in my heart until there was not a piece of me that did not love him. And when I look at him, there is no other feeling in me.

My love for Finny is buried like a stillborn child; it is just as cherished and just as real, but nothing will ever come of it. I imagine it wrapped up in lace, tucked away in a quiet corner of my heart. It will stay there for the rest of my life, and when I die, it will die with me.

And I know that winter is supposed to end, but things are not always the way they are supposed to be.

The winter depression is so real

“Finn,” I say, and then I remember Jamie and Sasha have this class too. It wouldn’t help to take it back now. Mrs. Stevens looks surprised. She likes Finny; perhaps she doesn’t think he would associate with someone like me. The scattered whispers I hear tell me that a few of my classmates are surprised too. “I can drop them by tonight,” Finny says.

🥹💗

This is friendship, and it is love, but I already know what they have not learned yet; how dangerous friendship is, how damaging love can be.

Perhaps he would ask me what books mean to me. I would tell him that it means living another life;

“Actually, I’ve been really happy.” Finny’s eyes soften, and we’re looking at each other.

This is so cute 🥹

“You still have to break up with Sylvie,” I say quietly.

I was thinking they were broken up by now …

Please, do not try to break down the door. It is too late for you to do anything. Call the police and let them handle this part. And I come into this room and lock the door behind me.

Wow. 💔💔💔💔