for another fortnight or so. The stinging persisted for two years and recurred every time I had a cold shower.’ It’s so horrendous in fact, that the British, who inhabit an island where it’s just the general population you have to be mindful of, considered weaponising it. It’s easy to see why; an ex-serviceman in the Australian army claimed that an officer he knew had mistakenly used a leaf of the tree as toilet paper. Thinking he was going to have the familiar feeling of a nice clean anus, he was instead given the most unbearable anus pain he’d ever encountered, and shot himself rather than
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